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classic Tommy Cooper gags



rcf0712

Out Here In The Perimeter
Feb 26, 2009
2,428
Perth, Western Australia
I defy anyone to get to the end of this list without laughing out loud - oh the memories;
:laugh:

Ø I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'


Ø Told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'


Ø I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'


Ø I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'


Ø I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.


Ø I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'


Ø My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.


Ø I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'


Ø I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.


Ø I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.


Ø I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.


Ø The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'


Ø This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'


Ø I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.


Ø I phoned the local builders today; I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'


Ø This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'


Ø I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'


Ø I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'


Ø I visited the offices of the RSPCA today, it's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.


Ø I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.


Ø I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.


Ø I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'


Ø I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I take out The Elephant Man?' He said, 'He's not your type.' I said 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'


Ø A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'
 


Brovion

Well-known member
NSC Patreon
Jul 6, 2003
19,322
Not sure they're all Tommy Cooper are they? I don't think Cooper would have known about Eurostar or 'Batman Forever'. Sounds more like Tim Vine.
 






These are definitely Tommy Cooper.

I went to the doctor's the other day, sat down in the waiting room and picked up a newspaper to read whilst I waited - wasn't that terrible about the "Titanic". Eventually I got to see him. I said "Doctor, it hurts when I do this". He said "well, don't do it then".

I use the second one on my daughters whenever they have a minor scrape - goes straight over their heads every time!
 






rcf0712

Out Here In The Perimeter
Feb 26, 2009
2,428
Perth, Western Australia
Is Tim Vine that tall blond geezer, he was out here recently for a Melbourne Comedy Festival and had us in fits wehn we saw him on telly, he did remind me of Tommy Cooper a bit, all quick one liner play on words gags - I did wonder about the timeline on some of them, funny though either way. He did daft song at the end too, but no magic tricks!
 


PCBEARDMLORD

Isn't it ?
Jan 30, 2008
621
Patcham
Phones in the car before 1984???


I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
 






the wanderbus

Well-known member
Dec 7, 2004
2,933
pogle's wood
my favourite -
my first wife was a redhead, no hair just a bright red head.
 


chez

Johnny Byrne-The Greatest
Jul 5, 2003
10,042
Wherever The Mood Takes Me
These are the two that thought were quite funny. Never really saw the attraction with Tommy Cooper, I suppose he was one of the first to come up with this kind of humour though so you have to give him some credit.

Ø Told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'



Ø I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
 




Most of those jokes are weak, and if you read a lot of Tommy's jokes 'cold' without knowing they were his jokes - they're fairly poor.
So, it was the teller of the jokes that made them so funny, underlining the natural comic genius of Tommy Cooper. He himself was bemused as to why people were in fits before he even got the first joke out when performing live, and when he played a theatre the curtain only had to get a shake and the anticipation had people falling about.

Tommy had a brilliant combination of his look / showman's pathos, cheek, and clown / timing. Much of it was based in vaudeville and the slapstick of the silent screen.


These jokes above, starting out this thread, are unlikely Cooper humour, so when I felt unable to read them recreated by a Tommy Cooper inner-voice - they stopped being all that funny.

The ones about a book about glue, and him opening a theatre were certainly good Cooper-style though.
 


clapham_gull

Legacy Fan
Aug 20, 2003
25,175
They are Tim Vine jokes (as stated) and this list has been going round for years.

Not a single one was told by Tommy Cooper.
 






Nibble

New member
Jan 3, 2007
19,238
I'm trying to stop my wife smoking in bed. I wouldn't mind but she lies face down.

Always tickled me that one.
 


Superphil

Dismember
Jul 7, 2003
25,398
In a pile of football shirts
Real TC

“A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please. And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos. So the man says, alright then, I'll have five pounds of kilos.”

“He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.”

“I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house that I came to. A women stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said 'What do you want?'. 'I'd like to stay here' 'Ok. Stay there'.”

“I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.' “
 


Superphil

Dismember
Jul 7, 2003
25,398
In a pile of football shirts
And this is a favourite

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
 






dougdeep

New member
May 9, 2004
37,732
SUNNY SEAFORD
I went into a pet shop and asked to but a wasp. The chap said that they didn't sell wasps. So I said, "But you've got one in the window"
 


Taybha

Whalewhine
Oct 8, 2008
27,135
Uwantsumorwat
doc theres something very wrong with me,i cant help thinking all the time im a pair of curtains."oh for gods sake man pull yourself together.
 



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