Got something to say or just want fewer pesky ads? Join us... 😊

A Thread full of Joke du Jours



bob monkhouse

Hmmmm........
Jul 6, 2003
398
Liphook
A THREAD FULL OF JOKE DU JOURS









Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, You Sign! You sign!'
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. 'You Sign! You sign!'
Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again.When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge
truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, 'You sign!You sign!'

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:
'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!'
Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.

On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, 'You sign! You sign!'
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.
This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him: 'Look, I don't want
these!
Do you understand?
You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?'

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:


(It's a beauty)


(wait for it)


Get your best Chinese accent ready .....


'You not Nissan Main Dealer?'
 
Last edited by a moderator:










Simster

"the man's an arse"
Jul 7, 2003
54,182
Surrey
Yep, that was shit. You must have made it up. So here's my crappy home made effort:

Q: What's the best way of contacting Sven Goran Eriksson from your desk?
A: E-mail Heskey
 




REDLAND

Active member
Jul 7, 2003
9,443
At the foot of the downs
Hey, my brother chews hammers in the circus!
Is he a professional?
No, he's a 'ammar-chewer!

:shootself
 




watsongooal

New member
Jul 7, 2003
2,556
Chislehurst
My dogs an engineer cause every time I get his lead he makes a bolt for the door.

Boom Boom
 




Marc

New member
Jul 6, 2003
25,267
Priest goes to a whore house and spends 2 hours thrusting the crap outta the whore...at the end of the session she says to him:
"Was'nt that a sin what you just did?"





"No" he says





"look at your snatch...it now resembles the Burning Bush!"


:eek: :nono: :shootself
 


crasher

New member
Jul 8, 2003
2,764
Sussex
My mate's just been sacked from his job working on the dodgems.

Now he's suing for funfair dismissal.
 








Shizuoka Dolphin

NSC M0DERATOR
Jul 8, 2003
6,987
N/A
crasher said:
My mate's just been sacked from his job working on the dodgems.

Now he's suing for funfair dismissal.

Pure class. :D

Now a very old joke:

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too." The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650." "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man.... "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab test."
 






Everest

Me
Jul 5, 2003
20,741
Southwick
What do you call a leper in a hot tub?


Stu.
 






A man was told his wife was sick, and that she had either AIDS or alzheimers-they weren't sure which. He asked the Doctor for advice, who suggested the following:

"Take her to a remote part of the country where she's never been before, and drop her off".

"If she finds her way home.........don't f*** her."
:ohmy:
 






jimmy hill's chin

New member
Jul 5, 2003
230
In the Garden of Eden,
As everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve,
Without any clothes.

In this garden,
Were two little leaves,
One covered Adam's,
One covered Eve's.

As the story goes on,
Never the less to say,
The wind came along,
And blew the leaves away.

At the sight,
Adam did stare,
There was Eve's treasure,
All covered with hair.

And wonder came,
Under Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing,
Started to rise.

They found a spot,
That suited them best,
A nice big tree,
Where they began to rest.

Her legs spread wider,
And wider apart,
While thrill after thrill,
Came into her heart.

The head of Adam's thing,
Peeked into the hole,
And filled her with passion,
Beyond her control.

Backward and forward,
His thing did slide,
And Eve's treasure,
Was all wet inside.

The joy was good,
She wouldn't let loose,
Until Adam's thing,
Was all out of juice.

Then down through the years,
People did screw,
And now it is time,
For me and you.

So pull down your pants,
And lay in the grass,
Cause I'm in the mood,
For a piece of that ASS!
:flameboun :flameboun :flameboun
 


Albion and Premier League latest from Sky Sports


Top
Link Here