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Are they playing 87 overs? We can still win this if we play with a bit of flair - i think i'd rather lose having had a go with 6 overs left than play out a "bore draw".

We ARE doing that - we didn't try and go for it, and we're not trying to defend. They're giving us the crushing disappointment we crave.

I'm sure it's an unpaid role

We need the team of '85 - bring me Garth Le Roux and Imran Khan quick before we fall apart completely.

Would we prefer a slow death or a two hour sub-100 score? Don't know why I'm asking - we don't have any choice...

..and do we feel fine? I think not. I'm cursing myself for not having the energy to switch the radio off, so inert has this match made me. I feel I'm melting into the sofa with stagnation.

I come back from holiday to this dross. Even our shots for four pull up short of the boundary, embarrassed to find themselves trundling through the outfield, burying their blushing faces deep in the salty grass. This game's going nowhere - literally.