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My mum's in her 80s as well and I know she'd react almost identically even after my paranoia, concern and likely exasperation was evident. Love her reaction to clapping the opponents equaliser and your threat of never taking her again! There should be a Senior Seagulls club.

Congratulations - you've won today's NSC. And your mum is a complete legend.

In Fever Pitch, Nick Hornby shared his opinions on those who turn up at football matches with no apparent interest in the game: “My companions for the afternoon were affable, welcoming middle-aged men in their late thirties and early forties who simply had no conception of the import of the...