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But I bet she lies in bed and pulls the covers up so just her neck upwards shows and shouts, "Philip, Philip! Look at me! I'm a stamp!" [Russell Howard] I honestly believe that the two of them d*ck about all the time in private, but she puts on her "business" face when out and he doesn't!

He once told a blind woman (who was stood with her guide dog) that they are now "eating dogs for the anorexic". Priceless!

Ah, the fun and frivolity of "Fantasy Funerals" - Not been involved in a game for ages, but for the sake of argument, I'll have £5 on Kirk Douglas.