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Downhill > Gownhill. Encased in frills, strapped in corsets and swishing their skirts, a load of B-list English actresses race each other down the slopes of diminishing career prospects. Who can convert a bit part in A BBC costume drama into a lucrative Hollywood franchise movie, like...

Aussie Rules Football > Aussie Mules Football. A bunch of tight-shorted Antipodeans mount their donkeys and chase each other around Melbourne. First one who doesn't completely mangle the vowels in 'eeyore' wins.

Curling > Curding. With a vast pot of goats milk and a large wooden spatula at their disposal, can competitors stop their whey from going cheesier than a block of Gorgonzola?

Triathlon > Criathlon. A bunch of women try to watch kitten movies on YouTube without blubbing, last one to succumb wins. Triathlon > Hiathlon. Young urban males compete to greet each other with complex handshakes and grunts. The most street version wins innit. Triathlon > Piathlon...