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Two paedos eliminated. Brand went through automatically as he was tied with Hall and lost out via tiebreak, other one will be determined via highest scoring third-placer.

Looks like Parish is going to fall at the first hurdle! Says a lot about the other contenders. Ok I'm going to get these prelims done now so the business end can begin on Sunday. Stay tuned.

Wilfried Zaha and Ed Balls sailed through to Round Two in Group D, joining Russell Brand, Sepp Blatter, Beach Hut, David Cameron and Gary Barlow. Two groups coming today, starting with Group E, which could well be the group of death: Katie Hopkins Professional shit-chatter Katie Hopkins...