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We had bucket loads of Twixes. Surely there is a simple catering matrix that would align my Malteser needs with my lounge and your Twix one with your lounge. If we can afford to pay Chris O'Grady £13 000 a week then surely we can afford some basic chocolate technology. Barber out!

No Maltesers in the 1901. They were the only confection that could have got me through the second half with any degree of mental equilibrium but do I come on here moaning about it? No, instead, I have bombarded to club with emails, torn up my season ticket and chained myself to the club shop.