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No masturbating in your seat. Really.

The crowd instruction to 'shoot' doesn't mean the NRA will have to come out and peddle their twaddle again.

British Bulldogball.

Hashtag earworm.

The players don't wear padding. They don't have nicknames like 'The Chest Freezer' or 'The Knackered Trabant'. Just 'Kaz' and 'Knocky'. There is no goal music. No-one clenches their fists and shouts 'Go, Seagulls'. No-one turns up with a piece of scraggy torn up cardboard box held aloft with...