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"Sweetness, sweetness I was only joking when I said I'd like to smash every tooth in your head. Sweetness, sweetness, I was only joking when I said by rights you should be bludgeoned in your bed" warbled permanently-depressed song maestro but uber-geek, Morrissey. What a f***ing stupid joke...

WATFORD O once sang "AGAIN, WE'LL NEVER PLAY YOU AGAIN" on here, just a day before it seemed they might be promoted via the playoff final after we'd finished 23rd in the league for a second successive time. Not heard of friendlies then, twatty old stick?

"I'm free to do what I want, any old time" sang the Soup Dragons. It's a shame Gary Glitter didn't realise this was bullshit because he's now in the clink for kiddie fiddling.

"It's hip to be square" No Huey, it's f***ing SHIT - as Keith the natural born smoker lookalike at school found out to his cost.

"Oh I wish it could be Christmas everyday" belt out ancient rock 70s icons, Slade. Yet there can't be many more ill conceived remarks than this. What exactly do they want? 365 times more presents? Where would you put them all? And anyway, if a multiglomerate like Sony can't even keep up...

Class.

"I heard it on the grapevine" Frankly I just don't believe you, Mr Gaye. I pressed my ear hard up next to some grapes in a vinyard when I was on holiday in France, fully expecting to hear the half time Albion score - and all I got was a wind-whistling sound, an ear full of grape juice and a...

Elton John tells us that Princess Diana lived her life like a candle in the wind. What a crock of shit that is. How many candles have you seen putting on £2,000 Armani Jeans before making self sacrificing trips to Somalia to talk to some poor people? Has a candle ever blubbed like a baby...