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I bought and reprogrammed a talking moosehead clock, and using my main two celebrity impersonations of Chris Tarrant and Steve MacFadden, I have it whisper and yelp some awful truths about myself, followed by a self-satisfied chortle. I've now taken to leaving the house at 4pm precisely, when...

In my private lab, in which the sound of yapping is near deafening, I played around with the poodle gene that has them with such elegant knotted bush. When broadcasting my developments into injecting that gene to the disappointingly straight-haired, I received a writ, handed to me by an unholy...