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Worthing!? you had a Friday night out there? It's taken over by extras from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

Surrey is great, lovely countryside and superb golf courses. I live up the road from North East Surrey crematorium, though I'm in Merton, which is fab (apart from the standard of the local footy team, though 5 promotions in 5 seasons isn't bad). I've even dated a Palace fan, whose entire family...

you really need to get out a bit more, ketchy.

My mum lives there. Are your grandparents dogwalkers? There's a big dog walking scene up there, combined with the North Lancing Community Association, tell grandad to check their website. I had my car vandalised in Norbury Close by some old tart who objected to me parking somewhere that made...

Shoreham beach?! over-priced, no trees and it'll be underwater in 40 years time.

Best is Steyning, home of the Strikers (runners up in some under-14 league in 1983). Worst is Peacehaven as they always had a really dirty team and loutish parents, when I played for the Strikers against them (and the place looked like a dump when we drove through it). Billingshurst Beavers...