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To Gordon F**k off you little ginger t**t! Eees not complicated! I hate you and I hate Scotland but I hate Palace even more and will do everything I can to ensure my beloved Brighton stuff them. Never contact me again. Many Thanks Gus

Dear Gus I would appreciate your assistance on our up coming fixture against the mighty Welsh. We have identified Liam Bridcutt as the future of our midfield, we think he has a lot of potential. We want to play him for 90mins against the Welsh but we need you to either play him for 45mins...