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I wonder if they did the German survey just after the world cup final? This might account for the happy Deutsche kids.

I agree, there is no single 'official' scientific scale for happiness. But there are plenty of calibrated scales out there which are used and utilised for varying specific and scientific needs. Using a common example how do you think clinical depression is diagnosed? Like in your example "one...

I'll come and measure you when England leaves the EU!

You certainly can. In the same way you can measure all manner of other psychiatric conditions.

The subjective well-being scores are even worse. England 33rd out of 39 countries for life-satisfaction. Overall subjective satisfaction is 30th out of 39. By way of contrast Germany is 11th out of 39. Macedonian kids are the happiest.