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Eskimo comes home from fishing to find his wife crying. Whats the matter?" he asks. The wife replies " My mother has just died" Eskimo slaps her round the face.. " What the hell was that for?" she asks. "That's for making me laugh when I've got chapped lips"

A bloke called at my house today and said "Do you want your shed re-tarred?" I said "no thanks" and then the sod took my shed away............