I was going to post about this before, but I really, really hate this phrase.
"Access" is such a horribly cold word isn't it? It presents an assumption that Mum has the kids and Dads just get the small bits of time they are given. Mum is primary, Dad is secondary. And, frankly, in many cases...
My thoughts are with you.
I can't answer some of your points because my circumstances were different to how yours sound, but I can chip in on the two above.
My wife and I got on well through the divorce. Indeed, the day the formal divorce papers arrived was the day we were going off to Florida...