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If he gets this deal, will he be able to even stand up at all – given that anyone would fall over laughing if this was them?

Four year deal!? WTAF

Funnily enough, I was in Yanbu just the other week. This is where they offer diving tuition. Just up Wilf's street, I reckon.

Considering the SEGW has probably submitted 507 transfer requests, I actually think that number is quite low.

Parish open to bids over £250m, apparently. So definitely lowering his expectations this time.

Obviously meant to be £400m. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

And we’ll open the book at: - Offers around £30m - Palace’s “valuation” £95m Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

£50m?!! What ****ing planet are you on? The SEGW has been valued at over £175bn by CPFC. Get real. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

And we want.... six billion pounds, mwah hah hah... Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Definite typo. Should be billion, not million. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

In Parish's fevered and deluded mind, that's still a £900bn price tag – or roughly 10,000 x Messi, Mbappe and Ronaldo combined.

Guardian cranking up the old Zaha exit story engine again today… "Never go back, they say, in a phrase that means diddly-squat in the gilded corridors of Old Trafford. Despite the £93m return of Pogba still proving to be little more than an alarming distraction for Manchester United, Ed...

Guardian MBM commentary manages to mention Zaha and a local fried chicken outlet in its build-up. Will the goon squad now be after them with accusations of racism? “Graeme Souness loves Zaha. I wonder how the rest of his career will pan out – he has the talent to play in the Champions League...

Hey, don’t denigrate Mazda’s by associating them with that shower of shite. I owned one once (an RX-8) and it was a decent car. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Ah, diddums. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Statement from Wilf just been released: "Yesterday, I handed in a transfer request, as I believed I deserved a chance to play for my boyhood idols, AC Mancharsenalrton Utd Cityapoli Bremen. I modestly felt that my widely-acknowledged status as The Third Best Player in the World meant that, at...

Me neither. Being rational, if Palace now sell the SEGW to the likes of Napoli, then they couldn't buy a replacement till the window opens in January. Though the Wan-Bissaka money apparently disappeared into thin air, and no replacement was bought, surely even Palace wouldn't be so dumb as to...

The REAL zinger is Roy’s comment “hopefully he’ll come to terms with fact he has another season with Crystal Palace”. Even their own fvcking manager makes it sound like a punishment, a sentence handed down by the courts that the SEGW needs to accept. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

A song's just come up on my iTunes shuffle that immediately made me think of Zaha on this deadline day: The Apartments' Not every clown can be in the circus...

Truckloads of popcorn and beer being ordered by Albion fans everywhere. This is going to be a FUN transfer deadline day! Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk