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Do you know who I bumped into Specsaver yesterday? Everyone who was there.

Palace fan gets mugged by two snails. he goes to the police station and a cop says "Could you identify them if you saw them again?" Palace fan: "I don't know officer, it all happened so fast." I thank you.

My mate's just been sacked from his job working on the dodgems. Now he's suing for funfair dismissal.