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I was walking past the bakers the other day and a sign said "all cakes, one pound". I went in and said; "excuse me mate, can I have one of those please." "Certainly," he says, "that'll be £2". "Eh, it says all cakes a pound." "I know, that's Madeira cake."

I'm making my own cracker jokes for Christmas. Best one- and two-liner gags please.