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What is the difference between an Essex girl and the abominable snowman? One has thick, smelly, matted body hair and the other has big feet.

I used to be a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac. I'd lie awake at night wondering if there really was a dog. (actually that's a pretty good one... )

A guy walks into a shop and says, "20 Benson & Hedges, please" Assistant: "You're Irish, aren't you?" Guy: "Yes, I am. How did you tell? My accent?" Assistant: "No. This is a fish & chip shop"