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[Humour] Confession
- Thread starter jonnyrovers
- Start date
I'm not sure I can ever be forgiven for this, but here goes. The year is 1970 and I am a bright eyed bushy tailed 17 year old boy who, along with a mate decides what will really make us irresistible to the opposite sex is, of course, a tattoo! So off we go to Portsmouth docks to get a proper tattoo just like the sailors in the Royal Navy. We eventually find a place in some archways near the docks and pick the tattoos we each want. My mate went first and had a swallow put on each forearm, me next and I pointed to the design I wanted on my upper arm. It wasn't that big as I wanted one that would make it easier to hide from my mum! Guy says "Roll your sleeve up, I'll give you a decent tattoo, that one you want is far to small". He then proceeds to outline the design about 3 times bigger than I chose.
Anyway the end result was a magnificent large tattoo of...............................................................................a bloody great eagle!!!
Please note the year 1970, the rivalry with Palace didn't even exist then. What can I say apart from I'm sorry..............................very very sorry.
Anyway the end result was a magnificent large tattoo of...............................................................................a bloody great eagle!!!
Please note the year 1970, the rivalry with Palace didn't even exist then. What can I say apart from I'm sorry..............................very very sorry.
jonnyrovers
mostly tinpot
- Thread starter
- #43
I'm not sure I can ever be forgiven for this, but here goes. The year is 1970 and I am a bright eyed bushy tailed 17 year old boy who, along with a mate decides what will really make us irresistible to the opposite sex is, of course, a tattoo! So off we go to Portsmouth docks to get a proper tattoo just like the sailors in the Royal Navy. We eventually find a place in some archways near the docks and pick the tattoos we each want. My mate went first and had a swallow put on each forearm, me next and I pointed to the design I wanted on my upper arm. It wasn't that big as I wanted one that would make it easier to hide from my mum! Guy says "Roll your sleeve up, I'll give you a decent tattoo, that one you want is far to small". He then proceeds to outline the design about 3 times bigger than I chose.
Anyway the end result was a magnificent large tattoo of...............................................................................a bloody great eagle!!!
Please note the year 1970, the rivalry with Palace didn't even exist then. What can I say apart from I'm sorry..............................very very sorry.
Lift your head my child, your fellow parishioners cannot judge you by todays expectations, you are forgiven for your adolescent naivety. Two Our Fathers, one GOSBTS, one Hark Now Hear.
OzMike
Well-known member
A friend of mine discovered that his wife was having an affair with a bloke at work and the usual fireworks ensued.
They were deciding what was who's etc when splitting up.
She insisted that the new curtains just made to measure and expensive with poles and everything were to be hers.
She decided to move back to mum till she and the other guy could find somewhere suitable.
While she was packing up 'her' stuff, my mate unscrewed the cap off a couple of the curtain poles and stuffed frozen prawns into them.
Apparently this caused a lot of smell in the new place which wasn't discovered and caused them to move again, taking the curtains and poles with them.
I thought it was funny and entirely forgivable.
I am trying to think of something that I have done in the past so that it would warrant this forgiveness and although I was no angel, I really can't think of any just yet.
They were deciding what was who's etc when splitting up.
She insisted that the new curtains just made to measure and expensive with poles and everything were to be hers.
She decided to move back to mum till she and the other guy could find somewhere suitable.
While she was packing up 'her' stuff, my mate unscrewed the cap off a couple of the curtain poles and stuffed frozen prawns into them.
Apparently this caused a lot of smell in the new place which wasn't discovered and caused them to move again, taking the curtains and poles with them.
I thought it was funny and entirely forgivable.
I am trying to think of something that I have done in the past so that it would warrant this forgiveness and although I was no angel, I really can't think of any just yet.
More like a golden shower thread, given the common theme to most of these stories...
OzMike
Well-known member
This might qualify :-
When younger and at around Christmas time a couple of friends and I used to go carol singing for extra money.
We used to brush up and go to the posher local areas in full school uniform, I was learning the clarinet at the time and took ti along , playing whilst the others sang.
We used to go down a treat and sometimes got invited back to play at weekend family gatherings or even on Christmas Eve.
This was pretty good and yielded a good return as well.
One evening we spotted some other school kids doing the same as us, but they were in Stanmer School uniforms, couldn't sing, had no instrument and did the minimum needed to get a coin and even got abusive when they didn't get anything.
We gave them a wide berth and carried on successfully.
As things always go this way, we ended up on the same street and face to face.
They called us a bunch of poofs and said they were going to rob us and break the clarinet.
I put the clarinet down, we peeled off our Mousecoombe School blazers and gave them a hiding.
We took all the money from them that they had manage to raise, went to the local chippie and had a good feed on it.
Not a good thing to do I know, but we should get absolution surely.
When younger and at around Christmas time a couple of friends and I used to go carol singing for extra money.
We used to brush up and go to the posher local areas in full school uniform, I was learning the clarinet at the time and took ti along , playing whilst the others sang.
We used to go down a treat and sometimes got invited back to play at weekend family gatherings or even on Christmas Eve.
This was pretty good and yielded a good return as well.
One evening we spotted some other school kids doing the same as us, but they were in Stanmer School uniforms, couldn't sing, had no instrument and did the minimum needed to get a coin and even got abusive when they didn't get anything.
We gave them a wide berth and carried on successfully.
As things always go this way, we ended up on the same street and face to face.
They called us a bunch of poofs and said they were going to rob us and break the clarinet.
I put the clarinet down, we peeled off our Mousecoombe School blazers and gave them a hiding.
We took all the money from them that they had manage to raise, went to the local chippie and had a good feed on it.
Not a good thing to do I know, but we should get absolution surely.
METALMICKY
Well-known member
- Jan 30, 2004
- 6,111
I will let NSC decide my punishment on this heinous offence and how I might cleanse my soul. I've been a season ticket holder since 1984.
When I was a nipper I was dying to go and watch some live football but obviously needed to go with an adult. The obvious choice was my brother who is quite a bit older than me. At the time he was studying at Croydon polytechnic and hence rented a flat in Thornton Heath. You know what's coming :+
I saw the Palarse when they had the 52,000 crowd to pip us to promotion and I also went to the 1976 cup semi final at Stamford Bridge against Southampton.
Obviously, I later disowned my brother although he soon attempted to mitigate that by switching his support to Tottenham in the early 80's.
Please in easy with me!
When I was a nipper I was dying to go and watch some live football but obviously needed to go with an adult. The obvious choice was my brother who is quite a bit older than me. At the time he was studying at Croydon polytechnic and hence rented a flat in Thornton Heath. You know what's coming :+
I saw the Palarse when they had the 52,000 crowd to pip us to promotion and I also went to the 1976 cup semi final at Stamford Bridge against Southampton.
Obviously, I later disowned my brother although he soon attempted to mitigate that by switching his support to Tottenham in the early 80's.
Please in easy with me!
- Nov 11, 2009
- 11,385
1994, met a young Aussie girl at work in Hove in her first 3 weeks in UK. She was taking an 18 month gap in the middle of master/PhD. Fell in love, shacked up in a rented apartment after 6 months. Eventually it was her time to go back to Sydney in 1995. She asked me to come to, which after a bit of family tug/soul searching I agreed. She planned to fly alone via the USA to meet her mum who flew in from Oz, to go to some family friends wedding and do a 2 week roadtrip, so I planned to fly 2 weeks later, via Bali on my own.
Because we had to give up our flat (and to avoid another months rent) I had 8 days before my flight to find somewhere to crash. Couple of close mates Dan and Tom offered to let me crash on the sofa (this bunch of mates were the fruit loops!), 3 days before I left, we, and a few other lads, went out as a sort of leaving do for me, got trashed and last I remember was throwing up after drinking blue bols back at Tom and Dans place.
Woke up bleary eyed and with a raging hangover some hours later, went to the bathroom to the total shock.......... one of those 2 f**kers had fully shaved off just my left eyebrow. I went nuts, proper pissed off... was about to travel, meet girlfriends mum for first time and would need to attend job interviews. My mum had to give me a make up pencil, so I was drawing one on, but it was obvious and I looked like a weirdo.
Dan fessed up that morning, that it was Tom that did it (as I really wasn't happy), and I vowed to Tom I'd get him back, he was pissing himself laughing about it though more upset I was. The next 2 nights, he literally barracaded his wardrobe against his bedroom door to stop me getting in.... But on one trip to the bathroom, I saw the chink in his defense and the plan became self evident.
This was in the days before digital cameras, I had a camera with film (boots processing days) and I told Dan I knew how to get him back, asked him to help as long as he swore he wouldn't tell Tom, and let me tell him in my own way, which he agreed.
Dan was creased over double, almost crying as the plan was put into action.
Simple really: I pulled the moon, took Toms toothbrush and shoved the head up my arse, as Dan in hysterics took a couple of pics. Put it back in the holder and left a day or so later.
Got the snaps developed with the Bali pics weeks later, and posted Tom in an envelope a postcard of Sydney and a pic.
"Dear Tom, Sydney is great. Wish you were here.
p.s Keep smiling"
He flipped his lid when he found out, today we laugh about it. But alas I confess.
Please forgive my eye for eye act of vengeance, I may have turned the other cheek..... But I confess I sinned.
Because we had to give up our flat (and to avoid another months rent) I had 8 days before my flight to find somewhere to crash. Couple of close mates Dan and Tom offered to let me crash on the sofa (this bunch of mates were the fruit loops!), 3 days before I left, we, and a few other lads, went out as a sort of leaving do for me, got trashed and last I remember was throwing up after drinking blue bols back at Tom and Dans place.
Woke up bleary eyed and with a raging hangover some hours later, went to the bathroom to the total shock.......... one of those 2 f**kers had fully shaved off just my left eyebrow. I went nuts, proper pissed off... was about to travel, meet girlfriends mum for first time and would need to attend job interviews. My mum had to give me a make up pencil, so I was drawing one on, but it was obvious and I looked like a weirdo.
Dan fessed up that morning, that it was Tom that did it (as I really wasn't happy), and I vowed to Tom I'd get him back, he was pissing himself laughing about it though more upset I was. The next 2 nights, he literally barracaded his wardrobe against his bedroom door to stop me getting in.... But on one trip to the bathroom, I saw the chink in his defense and the plan became self evident.
This was in the days before digital cameras, I had a camera with film (boots processing days) and I told Dan I knew how to get him back, asked him to help as long as he swore he wouldn't tell Tom, and let me tell him in my own way, which he agreed.
Dan was creased over double, almost crying as the plan was put into action.
Simple really: I pulled the moon, took Toms toothbrush and shoved the head up my arse, as Dan in hysterics took a couple of pics. Put it back in the holder and left a day or so later.
Got the snaps developed with the Bali pics weeks later, and posted Tom in an envelope a postcard of Sydney and a pic.
"Dear Tom, Sydney is great. Wish you were here.
p.s Keep smiling"
He flipped his lid when he found out, today we laugh about it. But alas I confess.
Please forgive my eye for eye act of vengeance, I may have turned the other cheek..... But I confess I sinned.
schmunk
"Members"
Errrrr, what...?
Alba Badger
Well-known member
That's an odd way to make a decision!
jonnyrovers
mostly tinpot
- Thread starter
- #54
They had that coming. You are forgiven my antipodean friend. 1 Hail Mary, 1 GOSBTS, 1 Bissouma.
jonnyrovers
mostly tinpot
- Thread starter
- #55
I knew I wasn't the only one!
jonnyrovers
mostly tinpot
- Thread starter
- #56
schmunk
"Members"
I think we need to call in a Bishop for this one. Any Bishops out there
Antipodean, too..
pearl
Well-known member
When I was a poor student back in the 80s my friends and me used to sneak into nightclubs via the fire escapes and do a bit of 'mine sweeping' (stealing peoples drinks)
Am I forgiven?
Am I forgiven?
madinthehead
I have changed this
Talking of administering urine...
I used to go to the 'Roxy' nightclub on the pier as a (late) teenager. We used to leave our pints at the side of the dance floor when we wandered up for a boogie to impress the ladies, and many times our pints would be missing when we came off.
So, we got one of our pals to hang back and watch - then he spotted a pair of lads grab pints and laugh as they walked off with them, taking nice big gulps of Fosters.
Later, we then took half a pint of lager each to the toilet, topped it up with piss - then did the same - leaving them on the ledge at the side of the dance floor.
We watched intently, and true to form they reciprocated by stealing our pints and taking big swigs, then looking at each other about ten steps later and putting them straight down.
Oh how we laughed.
Have done this numerous times in the past after having a pint knicked..
Lower West Stander
Well-known member
I work in the City as a corporate analyst.
Around 15 years ago, my job involved making recommendations on investing in junk bonds. This would involve meeting the company, writing an analysis and doing financial projections. I would then sit down in a meeting with the fund managers and we would discuss whether to invest or not.
I was less than inspired to have a meeting put in my diary with Focus DIY. They had just bought Wickes and were looking to raise some money. At this time Archer only had a minority stake having sold a chunk of the business to private equity.
I couldn’t stomach the thought of investing in the scumbag’s business but my prejudice clearly wasn’t shared by my colleagues. So I simply made up a load of numbers in my projections which made the company look absolutely shit. Result - no investment and fund managers going round telling everyone that Focus was actually in financial trouble which is why it needed the money.
It did actually go bust a few years later but that was because its owners (including Archer) bled it of cash. It could’ve survived.
Am I forgiven?
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Around 15 years ago, my job involved making recommendations on investing in junk bonds. This would involve meeting the company, writing an analysis and doing financial projections. I would then sit down in a meeting with the fund managers and we would discuss whether to invest or not.
I was less than inspired to have a meeting put in my diary with Focus DIY. They had just bought Wickes and were looking to raise some money. At this time Archer only had a minority stake having sold a chunk of the business to private equity.
I couldn’t stomach the thought of investing in the scumbag’s business but my prejudice clearly wasn’t shared by my colleagues. So I simply made up a load of numbers in my projections which made the company look absolutely shit. Result - no investment and fund managers going round telling everyone that Focus was actually in financial trouble which is why it needed the money.
It did actually go bust a few years later but that was because its owners (including Archer) bled it of cash. It could’ve survived.
Am I forgiven?
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk