A Thread full of Joke du Jours

[On the Left Wing]

Seven Goran Erickson calls David Beckham into his office.
'David,' he says, 'I'm worried about your performance. You've been hopeless, completely off form.'
'Sorry, boss', says David. 'I've not been myself lately. I've got a few problems at home.'
'Oh dear,' says Erickson. 'What's up? Posh, Romeo and Brooklyn okay?'
'Oh they're fine', says David. 'It's just that something's really bugging me and I'm losing sleep and everything. I can't concentrate on my football and it's really messing me up.'
'Whatever's the matter, David?' says Sven.
'Well, boss', says David, it's pretty serious. You see I'm really stuck on this jigsaw and...'
'A jigsaw?!!!' shouts Sven. 'You're fecking up every time you play because of a jigsaw?!!!'
'Yeah, boss, but you don't understand, it's really doing my head in!' says David in a whining voice.
'It's really hard and it's this picture of a tiger and it looks really good on the box and I'm sure I've got all the bits and everything but I just can't get it right and it's doing my head in and I even had my hair cut to try and cool my brain down and...'
'David, David, David,' says Erickson. 'You've got to get a grip. It's affecting our games and nothing is as important as England’s success at Euro 2004.
'Yeah, boss,' says David, 'but it's this picture of a tiger and it looks really good on the box and I really want to finish it but it's really hard and it's doing my head in and it's this picture..and it's a tiger and it's hard...and I can't make the bits fit and, er, it's really hard, er, boss and, er, it's a tiger, er,... on the box...er...boss.'
Erickson waits until even Beckham realises he's repeating himself and has got nothing else to say which took a bit longer than usual.
'David,' he says, with that smug smile he uses for post-match interviews. 'Bring the tiger jigsaw in and let's have a look at it. We've got to get you back to playing football.'
'Oh thanks, boss,' says David, 'that'd be really helpful 'cos it's really hard and it's a picture of a tiger and it's doing my head in, that tiger is.'
So David brings the jigsaw into Erickson's office.
'Here it is, boss.' He says, showing Erickson the picture on the box. 'Look, boss, it's this tiger, right, and it's a really good picture and everything but I just can't do it and it's really hard and it's doing my head in and it's this picture here of a tiger,' and Beckham empties all the pieces from the box all over Erickson's desk.
'David,' sighs Erickson, 'put the fecking Frosties back in the box.'

 

[On the Left Wing]

Seven Goran Erickson calls David Beckham into his office.
'David,' he says, 'I'm worried about your performance. You've been hopeless, completely off form.'
'Sorry, boss', says David. 'I've not been myself lately. I've got a few problems at home.'
'Oh dear,' says Erickson. 'What's up? Posh, Romeo and Brooklyn okay?'
'Oh they're fine', says David. 'It's just that something's really bugging me and I'm losing sleep and everything. I can't concentrate on my football and it's really messing me up.'
'Whatever's the matter, David?' says Sven.
'Well, boss', says David, it's pretty serious. You see I'm really stuck on this jigsaw and...'
'A jigsaw?!!!' shouts Sven. 'You're fecking up every time you play because of a jigsaw?!!!'
'Yeah, boss, but you don't understand, it's really doing my head in!' says David in a whining voice.
'It's really hard and it's this picture of a tiger and it looks really good on the box and I'm sure I've got all the bits and everything but I just can't get it right and it's doing my head in and I even had my hair cut to try and cool my brain down and...'
'David, David, David,' says Erickson. 'You've got to get a grip. It's affecting our games and nothing is as important as England’s success at Euro 2004.
'Yeah, boss,' says David, 'but it's this picture of a tiger and it looks really good on the box and I really want to finish it but it's really hard and it's doing my head in and it's this picture..and it's a tiger and it's hard...and I can't make the bits fit and, er, it's really hard, er, boss and, er, it's a tiger, er,... on the box...er...boss.'
Erickson waits until even Beckham realises he's repeating himself and has got nothing else to say which took a bit longer than usual.
'David,' he says, with that smug smile he uses for post-match interviews. 'Bring the tiger jigsaw in and let's have a look at it. We've got to get you back to playing football.'
'Oh thanks, boss,' says David, 'that'd be really helpful 'cos it's really hard and it's a picture of a tiger and it's doing my head in, that tiger is.'
So David brings the jigsaw into Erickson's office.
'Here it is, boss.' He says, showing Erickson the picture on the box. 'Look, boss, it's this tiger, right, and it's a really good picture and everything but I just can't do it and it's really hard and it's doing my head in and it's this picture here of a tiger,' and Beckham empties all the pieces from the box all over Erickson's desk.
'David,' sighs Erickson, 'put the fecking Frosties back in the box.'

 

[On the Left Wing]

Seven Goran Erickson calls David Beckham into his office.
'David,' he says, 'I'm worried about your performance. You've been hopeless, completely off form.'
'Sorry, boss', says David. 'I've not been myself lately. I've got a few problems at home.'
'Oh dear,' says Erickson. 'What's up? Posh, Romeo and Brooklyn okay?'
'Oh they're fine', says David. 'It's just that something's really bugging me and I'm losing sleep and everything. I can't concentrate on my football and it's really messing me up.'
'Whatever's the matter, David?' says Sven.
'Well, boss', says David, it's pretty serious. You see I'm really stuck on this jigsaw and...'
'A jigsaw?!!!' shouts Sven. 'You're fecking up every time you play because of a jigsaw?!!!'
'Yeah, boss, but you don't understand, it's really doing my head in!' says David in a whining voice.
'It's really hard and it's this picture of a tiger and it looks really good on the box and I'm sure I've got all the bits and everything but I just can't get it right and it's doing my head in and I even had my hair cut to try and cool my brain down and...'
'David, David, David,' says Erickson. 'You've got to get a grip. It's affecting our games and nothing is as important as England’s success at Euro 2004.
'Yeah, boss,' says David, 'but it's this picture of a tiger and it looks really good on the box and I really want to finish it but it's really hard and it's doing my head in and it's this picture..and it's a tiger and it's hard...and I can't make the bits fit and, er, it's really hard, er, boss and, er, it's a tiger, er,... on the box...er...boss.'
Erickson waits until even Beckham realises he's repeating himself and has got nothing else to say which took a bit longer than usual.
'David,' he says, with that smug smile he uses for post-match interviews. 'Bring the tiger jigsaw in and let's have a look at it. We've got to get you back to playing football.'
'Oh thanks, boss,' says David, 'that'd be really helpful 'cos it's really hard and it's a picture of a tiger and it's doing my head in, that tiger is.'
So David brings the jigsaw into Erickson's office.
'Here it is, boss.' He says, showing Erickson the picture on the box. 'Look, boss, it's this tiger, right, and it's a really good picture and everything but I just can't do it and it's really hard and it's doing my head in and it's this picture here of a tiger,' and Beckham empties all the pieces from the box all over Erickson's desk.
'David,' sighs Erickson, 'put the fecking Frosties back in the box.'

 

[On the Left Wing]

Seven Goran Erickson calls David Beckham into his office.
'David,' he says, 'I'm worried about your performance. You've been hopeless, completely off form.'
'Sorry, boss', says David. 'I've not been myself lately. I've got a few problems at home.'
'Oh dear,' says Erickson. 'What's up? Posh, Romeo and Brooklyn okay?'
'Oh they're fine', says David. 'It's just that something's really bugging me and I'm losing sleep and everything. I can't concentrate on my football and it's really messing me up.'
'Whatever's the matter, David?' says Sven.
'Well, boss', says David, it's pretty serious. You see I'm really stuck on this jigsaw and...'
'A jigsaw?!!!' shouts Sven. 'You're fecking up every time you play because of a jigsaw?!!!'
'Yeah, boss, but you don't understand, it's really doing my head in!' says David in a whining voice.
'It's really hard and it's this picture of a tiger and it looks really good on the box and I'm sure I've got all the bits and everything but I just can't get it right and it's doing my head in and I even had my hair cut to try and cool my brain down and...'
'David, David, David,' says Erickson. 'You've got to get a grip. It's affecting our games and nothing is as important as England’s success at Euro 2004.
'Yeah, boss,' says David, 'but it's this picture of a tiger and it looks really good on the box and I really want to finish it but it's really hard and it's doing my head in and it's this picture..and it's a tiger and it's hard...and I can't make the bits fit and, er, it's really hard, er, boss and, er, it's a tiger, er,... on the box...er...boss.'
Erickson waits until even Beckham realises he's repeating himself and has got nothing else to say which took a bit longer than usual.
'David,' he says, with that smug smile he uses for post-match interviews. 'Bring the tiger jigsaw in and let's have a look at it. We've got to get you back to playing football.'
'Oh thanks, boss,' says David, 'that'd be really helpful 'cos it's really hard and it's a picture of a tiger and it's doing my head in, that tiger is.'
So David brings the jigsaw into Erickson's office.
'Here it is, boss.' He says, showing Erickson the picture on the box. 'Look, boss, it's this tiger, right, and it's a really good picture and everything but I just can't do it and it's really hard and it's doing my head in and it's this picture here of a tiger,' and Beckham empties all the pieces from the box all over Erickson's desk.
'David,' sighs Erickson, 'put the fecking Frosties back in the box.'

 

[On the Left Wing]

Seven Goran Erickson calls David Beckham into his office.
'David,' he says, 'I'm worried about your performance. You've been hopeless, completely off form.'
'Sorry, boss', says David. 'I've not been myself lately. I've got a few problems at home.'
'Oh dear,' says Erickson. 'What's up? Posh, Romeo and Brooklyn okay?'
'Oh they're fine', says David. 'It's just that something's really bugging me and I'm losing sleep and everything. I can't concentrate on my football and it's really messing me up.'
'Whatever's the matter, David?' says Sven.
'Well, boss', says David, it's pretty serious. You see I'm really stuck on this jigsaw and...'
'A jigsaw?!!!' shouts Sven. 'You're fecking up every time you play because of a jigsaw?!!!'
'Yeah, boss, but you don't understand, it's really doing my head in!' says David in a whining voice.
'It's really hard and it's this picture of a tiger and it looks really good on the box and I'm sure I've got all the bits and everything but I just can't get it right and it's doing my head in and I even had my hair cut to try and cool my brain down and...'
'David, David, David,' says Erickson. 'You've got to get a grip. It's affecting our games and nothing is as important as England’s success at Euro 2004.
'Yeah, boss,' says David, 'but it's this picture of a tiger and it looks really good on the box and I really want to finish it but it's really hard and it's doing my head in and it's this picture..and it's a tiger and it's hard...and I can't make the bits fit and, er, it's really hard, er, boss and, er, it's a tiger, er,... on the box...er...boss.'
Erickson waits until even Beckham realises he's repeating himself and has got nothing else to say which took a bit longer than usual.
'David,' he says, with that smug smile he uses for post-match interviews. 'Bring the tiger jigsaw in and let's have a look at it. We've got to get you back to playing football.'
'Oh thanks, boss,' says David, 'that'd be really helpful 'cos it's really hard and it's a picture of a tiger and it's doing my head in, that tiger is.'
So David brings the jigsaw into Erickson's office.
'Here it is, boss.' He says, showing Erickson the picture on the box. 'Look, boss, it's this tiger, right, and it's a really good picture and everything but I just can't do it and it's really hard and it's doing my head in and it's this picture here of a tiger,' and Beckham empties all the pieces from the box all over Erickson's desk.
'David,' sighs Erickson, 'put the fecking Frosties back in the box.'

 

[On the Left Wing]

Sven Goran Erickson calls David Beckham into his office.
'David,' he says, 'I'm worried about your performance. You've been hopeless, completely off form.'
'Sorry, boss', says David. 'I've not been myself lately. I've got a few problems at home.'
'Oh dear,' says Erickson. 'What's up? Posh, Romeo and Brooklyn okay?'
'Oh they're fine', says David. 'It's just that something's really bugging me and I'm losing sleep and everything. I can't concentrate on my football and it's really messing me up.'
'Whatever's the matter, David?' says Sven.
'Well, boss', says David, it's pretty serious. You see I'm really stuck on this jigsaw and...'
'A jigsaw?!!!' shouts Sven. 'You're fecking up every time you play because of a jigsaw?!!!'
'Yeah, boss, but you don't understand, it's really doing my head in!' says David in a whining voice.
'It's really hard and it's this picture of a tiger and it looks really good on the box and I'm sure I've got all the bits and everything but I just can't get it right and it's doing my head in and I even had my hair cut to try and cool my brain down and...'
'David, David, David,' says Erickson. 'You've got to get a grip. It's affecting our games and nothing is as important as England’s success at Euro 2004.
'Yeah, boss,' says David, 'but it's this picture of a tiger and it looks really good on the box and I really want to finish it but it's really hard and it's doing my head in and it's this picture..and it's a tiger and it's hard...and I can't make the bits fit and, er, it's really hard, er, boss and, er, it's a tiger, er,... on the box...er...boss.'
Erickson waits until even Beckham realises he's repeating himself and has got nothing else to say which took a bit longer than usual.
'David,' he says, with that smug smile he uses for post-match interviews. 'Bring the tiger jigsaw in and let's have a look at it. We've got to get you back to playing football.'
'Oh thanks, boss,' says David, 'that'd be really helpful 'cos it's really hard and it's a picture of a tiger and it's doing my head in, that tiger is.'
So David brings the jigsaw into Erickson's office.
'Here it is, boss.' He says, showing Erickson the picture on the box. 'Look, boss, it's this tiger, right, and it's a really good picture and everything but I just can't do it and it's really hard and it's doing my head in and it's this picture here of a tiger,' and Beckham empties all the pieces from the box all over Erickson's desk.
'David,' sighs Erickson, 'put the fecking Frosties back in the box.'

 

[Cian]

How did you manage to post that SEVEN times?? How

 

[Robot Chicken]

A more pertinent question is...why aren't there any mods around when you need 'em?

 

[On the Left Wing]

How did you manage to post that SEVEN times?? How

See other thread about posting problems!

 

[Hove Old Fart]

Paddy bought a bath at B & Q. Next day he took it back because it was leaking. The manager said "did you put a plug in it?" Paddy replied "You didn't tell me it was electric!".

 

[Fluffster]

 

[Edward Scissorhands]

 

[Soul Finger]

I'm making my own cracker jokes for Christmas.

Best one- and two-liner gags please.

 

[¤DãŃn¥ §êãGüLL¤]

A more pertinent question is...why aren't there any mods around when you need 'em?

Why would you want them?

 

[Soul Finger]

I was walking past the bakers the other day and a sign said "all cakes, one pound".

I went in and said; "excuse me mate, can I have one of those please."

"Certainly," he says, "that'll be £2".

"Eh, it says all cakes a pound."

"I know, that's Madeira cake."

 

[Sloth loves Chunk]

Any more good one- or two-liners?

 

[Chester Drawers]

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh.yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'

Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right.

Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'No Kidding,' he said.

'Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?'

 

[SirDouglasLoft]

A guy goes into blockbusters and asks for Slumdog Millionaire. He gets it and when he gets home it has a picture of Jade Goody on the front.

He takes it back to blockbusters and goes to the worker
"excuse me mate I asked for Slumdog Millionaire!"
The worker replied
"oh sorry mate I thought you asked for some dog with no hair!"




I'm here all week

 

[Bevendean Hillbilly]

I'm making my own cracker jokes for Christmas.

Best one- and two-liner gags please.

How do you starve a scouser?

Hide his Giro under his workboots.


German knock knock joke...

Knock Knock

Whos there?

VE ASK ZE QVESTIONS SCHWEINHUND

Knock Knock

Whos there?

The interrupting cow

The interrupting c...

MOOOOOO

 

[Sloth loves Chunk]

A guy goes into blockbusters and asks for Slumdog Millionaire. He gets it and when he gets home it has a picture of Jade Goody on the front.

He takes it back to blockbusters and goes to the worker
"excuse me mate I asked for Slumdog Millionaire!"
The worker replied
"oh sorry mate I thought you asked for some dog with no hair!"

I'm here all week

As I said, any GOOD ones?