[Help] FAO: The divorced of NSC

Muzzy · Jan 22, 2018

I've just been through a divorce that turned out to be messier than it should have been.

Keep your head in the best place possible. Be strong for YOU! And keep busy.
Try to take up a new hobby/pastime. I changed many routines and took up going to the gym. My ex wouldn't have expected that! That kept me busy, sane and focused on having a strong mind.

Try not to spend too much time thinking about the past and what could have been and look towards a positive future. You have no choice if you want to move on with your life.

You will certainly face some tough times ahead but always remember that thousands have been where you are and came out the other side as a new person. Learning and accepting where you could have been a better husband and taking that into a new mindset will help a lot.

The above words may not all be welcomed but it was how I got through my heartache.
I am in a new life and a far better place in every aspect. It wasn't easy but my words are genuine.

My kids are happy and that was my main concern. It still hurts to say goodbye to them but at least I have them and they have me in their lives.

Good luck fella. Stay strong and try to remain positive.

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ManOfSussex · Jan 22, 2018

Last Summer said:
Not in the strongest financial position at the moment, so realistically final severance will not be immediate (until we can both afford to go our separate ways and not be too detrimental to either party).
2 kids involved as well – so need to do everything as pleasantly and painlessly as possible.

Sorry to hear that, best of luck and I've survived it.

One quick question in relation the above - Are you going to be living with your ex-wife until financial matters allow otherwise?

elwheelio · Jan 22, 2018

Best of luck. Focus on your kids and try to stay positive. All the best.

DJ NOBO · Jan 22, 2018

Been there.
It truly felt like the end of my little world but it wasn’t. I’ve since remarried someone far better.
At the time, The way I dealt with it was to plough through loads of women (including one off NSC funnily enough).
It won’t lead to long term happiness but it really will help in short term to go on a few dates.
Things will get better, but be prepared - they may get worse before that happens.
Good luck mate. It’s far from over.
PS
Go running. It helps.

Wardy's twin · Jan 22, 2018

I have been married 36 years and haven't experienced divorce.

IMO probably the best thing for your kids is for Mum & Dad to stay together. Can your issues be reconciled , can your issues be put on hold in the short term to keep the family together. Often the passage of time changes people's perspective so issues today might not be issues tomorrow. Clearly there are break lines and if they are passed they are passed and you need to move on but personally I feel that splitting up is not always the solution.

Hampster Gull · Jan 22, 2018

Sorry to hear this.

Not divorced but parents were and a few good friends. Look after yourself as best you can so that you can keep close relationships and support networks going and can keep on working. Critically stay really close to the kids, they will understand and will want time with you. Use mediation to agree separation terms including financial and then get ratified by lawyers. This formalises it otherwise there is always scope for this to be reopened in the future.

Last Summer · Jan 22, 2018

Thanks for the replies all - some really sound advice in there.

ferring seagull said:
Assuming it is irretrievable (but really do try that one last time), honestly if there is a way find it as mainly peops regret it for ever.

If there was any way back - I'd have taken it - but I let things get too far beyond repair to realise what was happening, and fix it.

ferring seagull said:
STAY OFF LARGE QUANTITIES OF ALCOHOL that is if you are not teatotal already.

That's a given! I always used to drink (never to point of violence/abuse/nastiness) as a relaxant. The wife was always concerned about the health impacts and the fact I used to fall asleep on the sofa! This was one of the key downfalls of the marriage. By the time i'd finally woken up to the issue and addressed it - it was too late - she'd turned off to me and turned on elsewhere.

AmexRuislip said:
You need to keep busy and occupied.
Go for walks de-stress.

Liking this one - was part of my new years resolution to get out and about more with the kids - but even going out on my own would at least be a distraction.

Lush said:
It's all about what's best for the kids, including staying in their own home and ensuring their lives are as unaffected as possible re lifestyle/schooling/parenting etc.

Agreed - I'm not going to argue over the house all the time the kids are there. It's their home, and i would never want to take that away from them. Just got to make sure that when I leave, I can rent a place big enough, and local enough, to be able to have the kids over every other weekend (i.e. not a studio flat).

Gwylan said:
My parents tried to make my sister and me take sides, constantly dissing the other parent.

Would never dream of doing this. I've seen the aftermath of this before, and the impact it's had on the relationship between parent and child, so no chances that's happening to my kids. I want them to grow up loving and respecting their mum and their dad, not just one of them.

AmexRuislip · Jan 22, 2018

Music I found was another de-stress

vegster · Jan 22, 2018

It will be difficult, very difficult at times but you will get through it. Be prepared for the worst when it comes to the financial settlement, no matter how amicable it may seem she may well make ridiculous financial claims and use the kids as leverage against you. There are no depths she may sink to and these will come out of the blue.

However, you will come through this and be better for it. I have had two bad divorces but after a few years I have met the most wonderful woman and we have been together 9 years now, my only regret is that I didn't meet her sooner.

billpotter72 · Jan 22, 2018

Mate,

My heart goes out to you, it's almost a year since she came in and threw a grenade into my life.
I was 21 years together and amassed 4 kids, 2 dog, 4 cats, rabbit, hamsters, mortgage, marriage etc etc.

Trying to unpick my way out of that was a nightmare and all for something that I never wanted or expected.

Almost 1 year since I am in an okay house, I get good access to the kids and I am slowly putting myself together.

Its still 1 step forward and 2 back at times but there are more good days than bad.

From my experience you will be surprised by the love you get from unexpected places and disappointed by people who you thought had your back.

It does get better it really does.

2 pieces of wisdom that I like out of the 1000's that were offered were:
1 - Grief is typically a 2 year process so don't rush it.
2 - You will never be fully comfortable with what has happened but at the same time you will one day look back and be proud of the fact that you endured and came through (I am hanging to that one

)

Good luck fella I am happy to talk about this as length so if you need anything get in touch.

Stay Strong x

doogie004 · Jan 22, 2018

Lucky enough to b happily married . But have suffered depression and it’s a lonely place talking to friends and family help don’t bottle anything up . The very best of luck to you all

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Last Summer · Jan 22, 2018

Bozza said:
My wife and I got on well through the divorce. Indeed, the day the formal divorce papers arrived was the day we were going off to Florida together "as a family" with my daughter. We still did many things together - days out, Christmas together etc and put her first throughout.

If you don't mind me asking, and it's not too personal to share - at what stage did you tell your daughter i.e. right at the beginning, when one of you left the house etc.?

ManOfSussex said:
One quick question in relation the above - Are you going to be living with your ex-wife until financial matters allow otherwise?

At the moment she's with her Mum in the evenings, coming back first thing in the morning to do the kids school run etc. She's normally at work when the kids go to bed anyway - so they haven't noticed any difference so far.
Have offered that she comes back and has the bedroom as 'her space', and i'll take the sofa and living room as 'my space' at night (sleeping on the couch). Means she'll be here more if the kids wake up at night etc. - and i can just blame a bad back to explain me being on the sofa if they realise.

We've got incomplete building work going on here at the moment - which means me leaving now is not really an option. Need to get that sorted first (for financial and labouring aspects) and take it from there.

Dale Jasper said:
It won’t lead to long term happiness but it really will help in short term to go on a few dates.

Not quite sure i'm anywhere near that stage yet - but get what you're saying. After 14 years, I think any relationship/date would be a car crash waiting to happen. Don't really want the kids being introduced to anyone new either, until they're told about everything and have got used to it all.

Again, thanks for all your replies - some really good advice to take away from this thread.

NSC always delivers when you need it most!

Aveacarlin' · Jan 22, 2018

Keep it civilised and together at all times when the kids are about. No detrimental comments about Mum/Dad when the kids are within earshot and do not become emotional in front of them. Supporting the kids is paramount before any of your own needs. You will come to terms with it in time but it will be tough initially so try and keep yourself occupied-excercise is excellent not only physically but for your mental wellbeing too. I sincerely wish you all the best mate.

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Brian Parsons · Jan 22, 2018

Been here. A long long time ago. Always stay civil, bite your tongue where necessary and act as normal in front of kids. Seek legal advice and should you separate let the tax man know straight away. I got stung for a huge bill. Was serving in the RAF at the time and they forgot to tax me as a single man although technically still married.

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Mr Smggles · Jan 22, 2018

Not divorced, but currently engaged. My parents divorced when I was quite young so can speak on that side of things. Although it may seem the last thing on your mind, just be aware of them.

Once you’re over the split, allow yourself time to get to get used to being alone. The kids will take time to get to grips with you two not being together, allow them time to get adjusted to this before introducing a new partner. Use this time to build your relationships with them away from their mother. My father introduced my future step mother within a few weeks of my mother moving out. It took an awful long time to fully accept her and caused a lot of grief in the family because of it.

Springal · Jan 22, 2018

Bozza said:
However, and this is my word of caution, regardless of how amicable things are now, they can change. I don't want to go into too many details on here, because stuff on here often comes back to me, but the relationship deteriorated markedly. All I'll say is make sure you don't leave too much open to goodwill - it's better to have it in black and white and agreed, even if it seems excessive to do so now.
.

This is key in my limited experience, while not a divorce I've been through a long term relationship split including joint house etc. Try not to hang on to any 'hope' that things might fix themselves, or at least try and get over that quickly.

Try and be reasonable in your expectations in the negotiations of the split and don't try and be to soft in your positioning in the hope it will get your brownie points. But don't let a solicitor lead you down a path to generate more work (and money) for them. Try and have some discussion between you around numbers and then take that to a solicitor. In my experience it was very amicable up until money was transferred and then that was it, got very cut off and affected friendship groups. Try and stay positive and find a good group of mates to help you through it and all the best. Time definitely does help you heal but it can take a long time, especially thinking about what you might have changed etc. It's normal.

Seasidesage · Jan 22, 2018

Make sure that whatever settlement you agree you leave enough money for you to still have a life. The temptation is to think only of the kids. They need their dad to have his own life as you will be happier and so will they...

Sirnormangall · Jan 22, 2018

Hastings gull said:
Thinking of the kids, it is absolutely imperative that you both are seen to be working amicably in their best interests -not yours. This must mean no arguing or using the kids to get at each other - you say this is not happening, so that is a plus. When you go your separate ways, again,think of the kids - where are the schools, and make sure that you do not move too far away -it might suit you but the child could have a very long journey, or have to change schools and leave their friends. Try to avoid lawyers -that could well mean that your respective positions may become uncomfortably entrenched -and be as fair and flexible as possible, willing to compromise, when custody is organised. Take turns at weekends for example. If you do then find another partner, and obviously the same goes for your wife, then there must not be any antagonism and jealousy in front of the kids -that could push them to favouring one party over the other - this would be fatal. Hope this helps - what i learnt from many years of pastoral work in schools.

Spot on. Use lawyers as sparingly as possible from a cost point of view - if you keep the divorce as amicable and fair as possible financially, there will be little need for you to resort to lawyers. Stay strong for your kids and yourself and remember there’s another partner out there for you somewhere.

ManOfSussex · Jan 22, 2018

Last Summer said:
At the moment she's with her Mum in the evenings, coming back first thing in the morning to do the kids school run etc. She's normally at work when the kids go to bed anyway - so they haven't noticed any difference so far.
Have offered that she comes back and has the bedroom as 'her space', and i'll take the sofa and living room as 'my space' at night (sleeping on the couch). Means she'll be here more if the kids wake up at night etc. - and i can just blame a bad back to explain me being on the sofa if they realise.

We've got incomplete building work going on here at the moment - which means me leaving now is not really an option. Need to get that sorted first (for financial and labouring aspects) and take it from there.

My split from my ex-wife was due to quite unique circumstances and we were living apart straight away. 10 years ago now though, I split up with my ex-girlfriend. We'd been living together for nearly 4 years and I can honestly say I loved her a great deal and that break up really hurt me and was more complicated, financially among other things, than with my ex-wife. After we'd split we lived together for 2.5 months before she left and moved out - it was hell. When the time came after the 2.5 months for her to actually move on - it was like splitting up again in a way. I survived it, as I'm sure you will, you've obviously got kids to think off and prioritise but it will be difficult - very difficult at times - living together. By your own admittance you've still got feelings - DO NOT under any circumstances do what me and my ex-girlfriend did when living together having split up and sleep together - That didn't exactly do either of us any favours and although you've split up, you are living under the same roof, emotions are all over the place and the situation may arise.

Best of luck - you'll get through it as others are saying.

cjd · Jan 22, 2018

Seasidesage said:
Make sure that whatever settlement you agree you leave enough money for you to still have a life. The temptation is to think only of the kids. They need their dad to have his own life as you will be happier and so will they...

Probably ( IMHO) the best post on this thread.

If the dad has no home, no money, no hope it doesn't help the kids.

2nd piece of advice; Take no notice of idiots who claim to be happily married for the last 5 zillion years, suggesting you keep trying to resurrect a dead relationship. Total idiots.

3rd piece of advice; There is no panacea for the pain you are going through other than time.

The very best of courage for the OP. He will get through it eventually and be in a far happier place than he is now.

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