Rooney as Entertainment Manager.
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[Football] HOW will England fail at Russia 2018?
- Thread starter Mellotron
- Start date
Rooney as Entertainment Manager.
Good call. I like the opening 1-1 draw with Poland. Before the tournament starts we'll be thinking "Yeah, even though we're shit we should still top that group". Then we start with what we think is a disappointing draw, (made worse by the fact that we took the lead in the fifth minute), but when the dust has settled it turns out to be our best result..
lawros left foot
Glory hunting since 1969
And Rooney will tell protesting fans to '**** off' again.
MattBackHome
Well-known member
- Jul 7, 2003
- 11,723
I'm planning on ramping up my wild and unfounded optimism early next year to make the most of it.
- Thread starter
- #25
But also, the optimists like me will take heart from the Poland draw, "well it was our hardest game and we didn't lose, we played some really nice stuff in patches, never looked like losing" etc.
After The Sun has printed a "cut out and keep" picture of him (staggering around pissed with a fag in one hand and the other arm round some slapper) that you're supposed to pin to your TV and stroke for good luck during each game. Endorsed by Uri Geller, Bear Grylls and Boris Johnson.
turienzo's lovechild
New member
- Oct 25, 2003
- 23,964
I think Harry Kane will almost certainly get some sort of injury about 2 months before the world cup meaning that he won't be fully fit. I'm going for a group stage of:
England 1-1 Republic of Ireland
Sun Headline: LUCK O' THE IRISH
England dominate the game with 98% possession (only managing 1 shot on target) after taking an early lead through a Harry Kane penalty. Ireland equalise in the last minute via a bizarre own goal from Raheem Sterling
England 0-0 Panama
Sun Headline: YOU'VE GOT TO TAKE YOUR HAT OFF TO PANAMA
England once again dominate possession, this time with 105% over the 90 minutes but fail to record a single shot all game
England 1-0 Egypt
Sun Headline: WE SPHINX ENGLAND WILL WIN THE WORLD CUP
England scrape through to the next round with a 1-0 win. Once more they struggle up front and fail to manage a single shot on target. They take the lead with an own goal by Egypt
Second Round:
Russia 2-0 England
Sun Headline: SOUTHGATE: PLEASE 'PUTIN' YOUR RESIGNATION
England manage the incredible feat of failing to complete a single pass all game. Both of Russia's goals look offside and Harry Kane is sent off
England 1-1 Republic of Ireland
Sun Headline: LUCK O' THE IRISH
England dominate the game with 98% possession (only managing 1 shot on target) after taking an early lead through a Harry Kane penalty. Ireland equalise in the last minute via a bizarre own goal from Raheem Sterling
England 0-0 Panama
Sun Headline: YOU'VE GOT TO TAKE YOUR HAT OFF TO PANAMA
England once again dominate possession, this time with 105% over the 90 minutes but fail to record a single shot all game
England 1-0 Egypt
Sun Headline: WE SPHINX ENGLAND WILL WIN THE WORLD CUP
England scrape through to the next round with a 1-0 win. Once more they struggle up front and fail to manage a single shot on target. They take the lead with an own goal by Egypt
Second Round:
Russia 2-0 England
Sun Headline: SOUTHGATE: PLEASE 'PUTIN' YOUR RESIGNATION
England manage the incredible feat of failing to complete a single pass all game. Both of Russia's goals look offside and Harry Kane is sent off
Taybha
Whalewhine
Letter from the FA to Gareth before the opening game .
"Dear Mr Southgate , thank you for your services during the past 2 boring as usual years , we think you have maintained our specific standards of flattering to deceive and would like you to consider another 3 year contract before we kick a ball so it looks like to the outsider that we actually think you are doing a fantastic job , don't worry if we don't qualify for the knockout stages we can recoup the money wasted on a pre tournament managerial contract by making yet another ridiculous ticket price hike for the next home friendly v Finland or some other african team at wembley , nobody will notice another fiver so crack on have a lovely 2018 and whatever you do do NOT play 2 strikers , this is England after all and we don't want to ruin 50 years of playing it safe mediocrity by starting to win things that matter , love to Alison .
"Dear Mr Southgate , thank you for your services during the past 2 boring as usual years , we think you have maintained our specific standards of flattering to deceive and would like you to consider another 3 year contract before we kick a ball so it looks like to the outsider that we actually think you are doing a fantastic job , don't worry if we don't qualify for the knockout stages we can recoup the money wasted on a pre tournament managerial contract by making yet another ridiculous ticket price hike for the next home friendly v Finland or some other african team at wembley , nobody will notice another fiver so crack on have a lovely 2018 and whatever you do do NOT play 2 strikers , this is England after all and we don't want to ruin 50 years of playing it safe mediocrity by starting to win things that matter , love to Alison .
- Jul 7, 2003
- 47,221
They usually seem to follow a similar format (terrible performances against the weaker sides, reasonable ones against the better teams in the group, though the last two World Cups have been the exception to that rule in that we were crap against both Italy and Germany), tame defeat in knockout stages.
How does the seeding work? Presumably the fact England have basically stunk out recent tournaments (well, by "recent", I mean "every major competition in the last twenty years"), we're unlikely to get a top seed spot, so face the likelihood of a group featuring very strong opposition?
How does the seeding work? Presumably the fact England have basically stunk out recent tournaments (well, by "recent", I mean "every major competition in the last twenty years"), we're unlikely to get a top seed spot, so face the likelihood of a group featuring very strong opposition?
Jim Van Winkle
Well-known member
Some bell cheese at the FA will forget to send the visa applications to the Russian embassy. Some plum at the FA will ask for special dispensation. Putin will Tweet '@FA rules are rules, see you in Qatar'.
The England team will be sent on a team bonding trip to Malia. Phil Jones and Deli Ali will have a threesome with some tart and get chlamydia. A red top rag will get an exclusive with the tart.
The England team will be sent on a team bonding trip to Malia. Phil Jones and Deli Ali will have a threesome with some tart and get chlamydia. A red top rag will get an exclusive with the tart.
The_Viper
Well-known member
The Lions go Marching on!
England 3-1 Spain
England declares new national holiday as golden boy Solly March bags a brace to lift World Cup in Russia.
England 3-1 Spain
England declares new national holiday as golden boy Solly March bags a brace to lift World Cup in Russia.
DumLum
Well-known member
It will probably start at the European speed skating championships in January. Followed by women's ice hockey a couple of days later.
Swap Panama with holland and you’ve got our group and results from Italia 90 there.
I also think we’ll repeat our performance in that tournament and scrape our way through to the semis (without soundly beating anyone) and the media will for once be calling the team heroes.
Cracking win first game, beating someone quite good, possibly Germany or Brazil with a sparkling display of attacking football. Hopes and expectations through the roof, flags back on cars, front page of the Sun praising 'England's roaring lions' etc. 'Southgate finds the solution' headline
Unlucky draw second game, 2-2, injury time equaliser from mid-ranking opposition. No change in expectations, this was an unlucky blip. We're on our way, one game left but it's an easy one.
Needing only a draw in third game to go through, lose disastrously to the lowest-ranked team that qualified for the tournament. Dunk, on debut following an earlier injury to Stones, gets sent off in the 3rd minute for a rash challenge (yellow card) and a mouthful of abuse at the ref (second yellow). After the game, England fans start to riot but get absolutely pasted by a load of Icelandic fans while the Russians look on, pissing themselves laughing before going after the Germans
The Sun's front page has Southgate pictured as a clown, and he's sacked the following morning and replaced by Roy Hodgson despite him being sacked by Palace at Christmas with them still on nil points. FA state 'we need some stability at this time and an experienced head to start rebuilding, and Roy fits the bill'.
Unlucky draw second game, 2-2, injury time equaliser from mid-ranking opposition. No change in expectations, this was an unlucky blip. We're on our way, one game left but it's an easy one.
Needing only a draw in third game to go through, lose disastrously to the lowest-ranked team that qualified for the tournament. Dunk, on debut following an earlier injury to Stones, gets sent off in the 3rd minute for a rash challenge (yellow card) and a mouthful of abuse at the ref (second yellow). After the game, England fans start to riot but get absolutely pasted by a load of Icelandic fans while the Russians look on, pissing themselves laughing before going after the Germans
The Sun's front page has Southgate pictured as a clown, and he's sacked the following morning and replaced by Roy Hodgson despite him being sacked by Palace at Christmas with them still on nil points. FA state 'we need some stability at this time and an experienced head to start rebuilding, and Roy fits the bill'.
Lower West Stander
Well-known member
We'll draw someone like Greece on our group and the press will big up some midfielder of theirs who plays his club football for a second division German team. No one will have heard of him but by the time the game starts everyone will be petrified of his skills. We will lose 2-0 and he will have a blinder. Press will say I told you so and Southgate will change his team and formation for the second game - probably bringing in James Milner at full back.
Aforementioned Greek player will then disappear back into obscurity and sign for West Brom - where he will total crap for the season before vanishing without Trace.
For the second and third games there will be loads of hype about Wilshere being England's saviour. He too will be absolute rubbish and we will lose to someone like Croatia and then tonked by Spain in the final game.
Players return to usual naval gazing and accusations they don't care. Club managers pretend it never happened and we start the cycle again.
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Aforementioned Greek player will then disappear back into obscurity and sign for West Brom - where he will total crap for the season before vanishing without Trace.
For the second and third games there will be loads of hype about Wilshere being England's saviour. He too will be absolute rubbish and we will lose to someone like Croatia and then tonked by Spain in the final game.
Players return to usual naval gazing and accusations they don't care. Club managers pretend it never happened and we start the cycle again.
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Fitzcarraldo
Well-known member
- Nov 12, 2010
- 960
Despite a turgid season at Everton, Gareth Southgate coaxes Wayne Rooney out of international retirement for one last go at recapturing the Euro 2004 tournament form that has eluded him ever since. This is particularly baffling as he hasn't played in the two months prior to the end of the season due to a broken foot. He is immediately made captain. A few changes have to made to the team to accommodate Rooney who demands to play in a kind of attacking midfield/striker role. Kane, off the back of scoring 30 league goals, is forced to play on the left wing (taking all corners and set pieces, natch), Danny Welbeck plays on the right and Alli is moved to the bench.
We suffer an early setback after getting beat 0-4 by Ireland in the first game. English hopes are kept alive in the second game as we score in a last-minute goal mouth scramble against Australia to win 1-0. Dreams of glory are dashed, however, in the final game as crowd-favourites Colombia comfortably despatch the three lions 2-0. England fail to register a shot on target in the must-win fixture.
We suffer an early setback after getting beat 0-4 by Ireland in the first game. English hopes are kept alive in the second game as we score in a last-minute goal mouth scramble against Australia to win 1-0. Dreams of glory are dashed, however, in the final game as crowd-favourites Colombia comfortably despatch the three lions 2-0. England fail to register a shot on target in the must-win fixture.
Drawn with Argentina, Iceland and South Korea, England's start to the tournament is somewhat disappointing as Lionel Messi beats us 4-0 on his own. Harry Kane, having recovered from a metatarsal injury thanks to the healing power of Facebook statuses, is eaten by a giant Icelandic clap just prior to our match with them, resulting in a rejuvenated Joe Hart having to take corners. The plucky Vikings hit us on the break to win 1-0.
Luckily, Theresa May gives Putin oral pleasure during a horseback ride and the Russians poison the South Koreans before hacking the table. The resultant walkover and "rejigged" table see us through, where we lose to Panama on penalties
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Luckily, Theresa May gives Putin oral pleasure during a horseback ride and the Russians poison the South Koreans before hacking the table. The resultant walkover and "rejigged" table see us through, where we lose to Panama on penalties
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- Apr 5, 2014
- 23,538
Having bored their way through a fortunate first stage, finishing second in their group behind Argentina, England will go out in the second round 3-2 to the hosts.
The press will realise that it's pointless and boring wasting pages on this ongoing national failure and devote less column inches than ever before.
There will be lots of BREXIT jokes as Northern Ireland will exit to Spain at the same stage.
England will land a much tougher group in the Euros but as it's impossible not to qualify Southgate will be left to guide them to a repeat.
The press will realise that it's pointless and boring wasting pages on this ongoing national failure and devote less column inches than ever before.
There will be lots of BREXIT jokes as Northern Ireland will exit to Spain at the same stage.
England will land a much tougher group in the Euros but as it's impossible not to qualify Southgate will be left to guide them to a repeat.
vegster
Sanity Clause
- May 5, 2008
- 27,892
England v Panama 1st match, Panama lead 1-0 at half time due to goal that was clearly offside, England "equalise " but goal disallowed despite being clearly onside...Having used all subs bar one, Wayne Rooney is thrown on in the last 10 minutes only for Danny Wellbeck having injured his right thumb due to a glove loss... last 5 minutes and Joe Hart is called up for an Englnd corner but somehow manages to deflect the corner 90 yards back in to the empty England goal.
England v Saudi Arabia....... England lose because Theresa May orders us to play in full Arab dress in order to secure a Typhoon deal of £2.5bn to save us going bankrupt from Brexit, Wayne Rooney photographed prior to the game in full Arab dress but clutching a bottle of Heineken, Saudi's enraged by the slur play game of lives and beat England 2-0 and cancel Typhoon deal anyway
Must win group game England v Portugal.... need I say more ?.
England v Saudi Arabia....... England lose because Theresa May orders us to play in full Arab dress in order to secure a Typhoon deal of £2.5bn to save us going bankrupt from Brexit, Wayne Rooney photographed prior to the game in full Arab dress but clutching a bottle of Heineken, Saudi's enraged by the slur play game of lives and beat England 2-0 and cancel Typhoon deal anyway
Must win group game England v Portugal.... need I say more ?.
portslade seagull
Well-known member
What if our own Lewis Dunk makes the team