Getting over a serious break up - HELP!!!!!!

7:18 · Jan 5, 2014

Too embarassed to start a new thread, so thought I might hide this in here...and see if there are any sensible and helpful responses.

I'm struggling at the moment to get over someone, not that I was ever with but that I have really liked and wanted to be with for a while now. We've become really close over the last few months and spent lots of time together, and although she must have known that I liked her more than being just friends, I had to be sure and so just came out with everything that I felt...I'm not a big manly tough guy, quite a sensitive soul! She apologized and explained that she loves spending time with me but only as friends, and couldnt really give me a reason why (I didn't ask for one, thats just what she said). The hardest thing is that we work in the same place, I see her everyday, and suffer from depression and anxiety anyway (and other things in life are not great)...half of me knows it was the best thing to do, to bring it up and find out one way or the other...but wow has it ever destroyed me at the moment. When I see/talk to her I can't help but still feel the same way, but its so hard knowing she doesn't at all!

The big thing I'm wondering is can I remain close friends with her or is it going to be too much heartache...I'm thinking the latter at the moment! I don't want to lose a good friend, but I don't want to be just friends either...any advice good people of NSC?

ozseagull · Jan 5, 2014

Shag her best mate. She will get jealous and fancy you for sure!

Freddie Goodwin. · Jan 5, 2014

Good friends are harder to find than good partners.
Who knows why we fancy people but, is she doesn't fancy you then that's just how it is and at least you know. up to you now if you can keep that friendship.

Justice · Jan 5, 2014

Did you get any vibe at all that she wanted any more than friendship?

7:18 · Jan 5, 2014

Justice said:
Did you get any vibe at all that she wanted any more than friendship?

Yes, well I thought so...its tough.
[MENTION=10773]fred[/MENTION]die Goodwin,
I understand your point but don't think I could stomach hearing about her with other guys etc etc, doesn't help shes flippin gorgeous...I know no one is perfect but she really feels like everything I've been looking for in a girl...shame she doesnt feel the same way, but as you say, who knows why we do or don't!

BadFish · Jan 5, 2014

I was in a similar situation years ago and I had the same dilemma about whether to stay friends after being given the Spanish archer. We had slept together a couple of times but she didn't feel like I did. I made the decision to be friends and ignore my feelings for her, funnily enough once i knew she wasn't interested in being lovers I wasn't that interested in being friends. We were still in touch for a while before I moved to Aus but it really wasn't the same.

Not sure what all this means and I don't know if it will help but there it is.

I suppose you have to decide what is best for you and your situation. Use the power you have to make the best decision for yourself, the ball is in your court as they say.

Good luck

p.s. One thing I will say is that I spent so much time fawning after that girl in the friend zone that I missed out on a few others.

Justice · Jan 5, 2014

7:18 said:
Yes, well I thought so...its tough.

[MENTION=10773]fred[/MENTION]die Goodwin,
I understand your point but don't think I could stomach hearing about her with other guys etc etc, doesn't help shes flippin gorgeous...I know no one is perfect but she really feels like everything I've been looking for in a girl...shame she doesnt feel the same way, but as you say, who knows why we do or don't!

7:18 · Jan 5, 2014

BadFish said:
I was in a similar situation years ago and I had the same dilemma about whether to stay friends after being given the Spanish archer. We had slept together a couple of times but she didn't feel like I did. I made the decision to be friends and ignore my feelings for her, funnily enough once i knew she wasn't interested in being lovers I wasn't that interested in being friends. We were still in touch for a while before I moved to Aus but it really wasn't the same.

Not sure what all this means and I don't know if it will help but there it is.

I suppose you have to decide what is best for you and your situation. Use the power you have to make the best decision for yourself, the ball is in your court as they say.

Good luck

p.s. One thing I will say is that I spent so much time fawning after that girl in the friend zone that I missed out on a few others.

This post really made me feel much better...well just to hear something similair from someone else...we haven't slept together or even done anything romantic like that, but talked/texted constantly for weeks and always made sure to see each other at work etc, and at the moment I feel like I need to have some time/space away from her, mostly because it will just make me upset to see her but also because (as a friend) I know its not right to make her feel in any way guilty/bad/concerned etc...

My main problem is I can't decide what is best for me in my situation, not yet (definitely not "over" the rejection yet, deep down I know I still want it to happen, even though I know it won't)...but thanks for sharing your story!

BadFish · Jan 5, 2014

7:18 said:
This post really made me feel much better...well just to hear something similair from someone else...we haven't slept together or even done anything romantic like that, but talked/texted constantly for weeks and always made sure to see each other at work etc, and at the moment I feel like I need to have some time/space away from her, mostly because it will just make me upset to see her but also because (as a friend) I know its not right to make her feel in any way guilty/bad/concerned etc...

My main problem is I can't decide what is best for me in my situation, not yet (definitely not "over" the rejection yet, deep down I know I still want it to happen, even though I know it won't)...but thanks for sharing your story!

Glad it made you feel better, I am not sure you can make the decision until you are 'over' the rejection.

FWIW i thought that bird was perfect for me in every way at the time. Now with hindsight and a marriage I realise that it would have been a disaster of a relationship and i kick myself for wasting so much time and energy on her when I could have turned my attentions to others (I am laughing at my own typo there which read 'otters' in the place of others).

edna krabappel · Jan 5, 2014

Life can be an utter ******* like that. If only we all had a magic wand that could turn such feelings off, it would be a lot less painful.

Harder still, no doubt, watching her just get on with life like nothing happened. I feel for you. Not sure I'm remotely qualified to give you advice, as I'm generally a disaster in this field, but hang in there & look after yourself. Easy to say, I know.

nwgull · Jan 5, 2014

ozseagull said:
Shag her best mate. She will get jealous and fancy you for sure!

This is actually decent advice. There are very few ways of getting out of the friendzone, but this is one that may work.

No point in being her friend as you'll just end up fawning over her and generally acting like an eager to please puppy; it will just make you seem less sexually attractive. It's much better to be a bit more aloof.

Wellesley · Jan 5, 2014

You could try pissing up her bottle.

BadFish · Jan 5, 2014

nwgull said:
This is actually decent advice. There are very few ways of getting out of the friendzone, but this is one that may work.

No point in being her friend as you'll just end up fawning over her and generally acting like an eager to please puppy; it will just make you seem less sexually attractive. It's much better to be a bit more aloof.

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Durlston · Jan 5, 2014

I think the key is would it be possible to change area jobs so you don't have to see her every day? It might be a bit drastic but if its killing you inside with the way she's made you feel it might be worth it. A fresh start for a new year? I know it's not as simple as that though.

I got steaming drunk last night and broke down in front of my girlfriend about my schizophrenia and mood swings getting me down with all the medication I'm on. How on earth she puts up with me I don't know.

Really hope everything turns out well for you mate. Time is a healer.

MissGull · Jan 5, 2014

Keep her as a friend. If you got together and then broke up you probably wouldn't stay friends, and it would be tense at work. Good friends are much better.

Lush · Jan 5, 2014

7:18 said:
The hardest thing is that we work in the same place, I see her everyday, and suffer from depression and anxiety anyway (and other things in life are not great)

Have you confided in her a lot about your problems and worries? It might be that she does fancy you, she's just not sure that she wants to 'take you on.' I know it's easier said than done, but if you can focus on addressing some of the issues in your life and getting yourself 'well', you might find that her attitude changes.

nwgull · Jan 5, 2014

MissGull said:
Keep her as a friend. If you got together and then broke up you probably wouldn't stay friends, and it would be tense at work. Good friends are much better.

Ignore this advice. Women love having male friends that they know will do anything for them and convince themselves that these guys are just doing it out of the kindness of their hearts and not because the want to get into their knickers.

Freddie Goodwin. · Jan 5, 2014

And, if it's any consolation, we've all been there. Us oldies may still look back at what might have been but that's life & you'll hopefully look back in years and smile about it.

I have some very good girl friends but I honestly can't look back at any girlfriends & wish i was still with them.

Soulman · Jan 5, 2014

Now your cards are on the table, this friendship can only get worse for you, because eventually she will find someone for more than friendship, and that will leave you more hurt than you are now. If you can steer away from this close friendship, whilst being polite, then she could realise what she had (though i doubt it) but it will give you the chance to get out of limbo and meet someone else. In short, whilst she is still on the scene.....you can not move on.
Good luck.... i hope this makes sense.

7:18 · Jan 5, 2014

Lush said:
Have you confided in her a lot about your problems and worries? It might be that she does fancy you, she's just not sure that she wants to 'take you on.' I know it's easier said than done, but if you can focus on addressing some of the issues in your life and getting yourself 'well', you might find that her attitude changes.

I haven't, but at this point its hard not to go to her because she is such a good friend...what is making the whole thing so hard is that (as a friend, and nothing more) she is concerned etc and wishing me well and hoping I'm ok etc. She can tell I'm struggling to come to grips with her turning me down, but I'm trying not to open up to her about the other stuff! I don't want to put all my problems on her.

Soulman said:
Now your cards are on the table, this friendship can only get worse for you, because eventually she will find someone for more than friendship, and that will leave you more hurt than you are now. If you can steer away from this close friendship, whilst being polite, then she could realise what she had (though i doubt it) but it will give you the chance to get out of limbo and meet someone else. In short, whilst she is still on the scene.....you can not move on.
Good luck.... i hope this makes sense.

Sadly in my head I'm starting to feel more and more like this is what will happen, although in my heart I really don't want it to! If she turned around tomorrow and said she wanted to be with me, I'd be over the moon...but there's more chance of Man Utd winning the FA Cup!

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