[Misc] DadsNet: helping your kids deal with little shits

Bozza · Sep 3, 2018

My 8-y-o son is, as kids go, pretty decent I think.

He's no angel, certainly, but he's kind-hearted and polite. He's also not "one of the lads" - he's not really into football (and it's not something I'm going to force) and whereas it seems there is a struggle to get kids to read anything at all, he's a voracious reader and consumes books at an incredible rate.

I'm concerned he's getting picked on a bit at school, primarily because he's eager to try and belong, and some of the sharper kids see him as an easy target.

Watching him playing Minecraft online this morning, he was in a world with two other kids from his school. One lives a couple of doors along and, when they're playing together, they seem to largely get on. There is another kid who does seem to be a little shit however, and he was also present. As he's not "Minecraft friends" (or whatever the term is) with my son, we couldn't hear him over the game chat thing, just the lad from up the road. However, both kids seemed to spend their whole time chasing my son and repeatedly killing him. To all intents and purposes it looked like (digital) bullying. In the end I persuaded him to turn the Xbox off and do something else.

School starts again tomorrow and I'm concerned that what I saw on screen is going to extend to the playground, if it wasn't happening already.

Does or has anyone else been through similar? How to you prep your kids to deal with the little shits they come across?

8049 · Sep 3, 2018

Hey Bozza
It's a tricky one but when we've had issues with the multiple little shits we've come across while raising our kids, our first port of call has been the school. They are generally very hot on bullying these days and have protocols in place to handle it discreetly.

In terms of advice to give your boy, I think it's a matter of trying to ask him if anything is happening and, (regardless of the answer because he probably won't tell you if there is a problem) remind him that no-one has the right to hurt him or say things that make him feel bad and if anyone is doing that he should go away from them. If he's got other friends, tell him to stick with them for a while. Also, if you're able, it could be worth trying to organise play dates with some kids you know are nice to your boy.

In terms of general life advice to the kids for how to deal with horrible people (and we seem to live around a high proportion of really precocious, arrogant, entitled little tossers!), it can be helpful to tell them that that sort of kid is normally like that because they are scared, sad or jealous and do it to try to make themselves feel better and they are not better, more cool, cleverer, etc than them. Whether that works depends a lot on the child: one of mine is not hugely resilient despite our coaching while two of them couldn't give a cr*p and either just find other people to be with or answer them back.

I'm no expert though so I'm interested to see others' answers.

Good luck with it and if your boy has an attentive, loving, concerned dad (which he does) then in the long run, he'll be fine.

Igzilla · Sep 3, 2018

This reminds me of an incident a few years ago when we were hosting foreign language students. We had this one French kid, about 12 years old. He was playing Minecraft with my son, who was about 7 at the time on the Xbox, 2 player mode. I came in to find this kid destroying everything my son was trying to make, and killing the pets he was making in the game. Whilst not directly bullying my on, I felt it was certainly a form of bullying. My worry at the time was that my son didn't really seem to understand what was going on (maybe fortunately), but I gently persuaded them to stop playing then sat my son down and explained that what this little shit was doing was not ok, etc etc.

Since then I think he's been ok, but I will be keeping an eye on things as we're getting him a headset for the Xbox so he can chat with his schoolfriends on Fortnite.

Two Professors · Sep 3, 2018

Was very proud of my 8 year old grandson when I collected him from school one day.Without prompting,he politely told a horrified parent how their child was behaving towards him,and could he be told off.No problems since.His school has a school parliament,with reps from every year,to help kids with problems come forward.
Minecraft does seem rather violent but the kids love it.Maybe Steve the Noob would have some tips for your lad to fight back.Good luck!

AmexRuislip · Sep 3, 2018

Bozza said:
My 8-y-o son is, as kids go, pretty decent I think.

He's no angel, certainly, but he's kind-hearted and polite. He's also not "one of the lads" - he's not really into football (and it's not something I'm going to force) and whereas it seems there is a struggle to get kids to read anything at all, he's a voracious reader and consumes books at an incredible rate.

I'm concerned he's getting picked on a bit at school, primarily because he's eager to try and belong, and some of the sharper kids see him as an easy target.

Watching him playing Minecraft online this morning, he was in a world with two other kids from his school. One lives a couple of doors along and, when they're playing together, they seem to largely get on. There is another kid who does seem to be a little shit however, and he was also present. As he's not "Minecraft friends" (or whatever the term is) with my son, we couldn't hear him over the game chat thing, just the lad from up the road. However, both kids seemed to spend their whole time chasing my son and repeatedly killing him. To all intents and purposes it looked like (digital) bullying. In the end I persuaded him to turn the Xbox off and do something else.

School starts again tomorrow and I'm concerned that what I saw on screen is going to extend to the playground, if it wasn't happening already.

Does or has anyone else been through similar? How to you prep your kids to deal with the little shits they come across?

Bullies have no friends, only the ones that are forced to follow.
You could always get your son into some sort of boxing or karate club.
My nephews did this, it helped them, in regards to discipline and was always taught as a form of defense.
To my knowledge, they didn't suffer any real sort of bullying, due to the fact the other kids knew what they did.
I'm not suggesting your son beats the living crap out of the bullies, but it doesn't do any harm to give these shits, the knowledge of what your son is into.

Tom Hark Preston Park · Sep 3, 2018

Jeez! Stop your 8 year old playing Minecraft online. Can it get any more simples? Or am I being whooshed in some subtle way? :shrug:

Bozza · Sep 3, 2018

Tom Hark said:
Stop your 8 year old playing Minecraft online. Jeez! Can it get any more simples? Or am I bei g whooshed in some subtle way?

I'm not really concerned about Minecraft, but I think it's symptomatic of what is happening on the playground. That's what I'm concerned about.

Tom Hark Preston Park · Sep 3, 2018

Bozza said:
I'm not really concerned about Minecraft, but I think it's symptomatic of what is happening on the playground. That's what I'm concerned about.

I think you may be worryingly unduly mate. There's elements of online bullying on NSC, but I'd be very surprised if any of it translates into bullying in real life. Two hugely different worlds. IMHO, like.

pishhead · Sep 3, 2018

As a parent it must be horrible witnessing something like this through the eyes of an adult.

It's scenarios like this that terrify me. Our son who just turned 4 is starting school next week. He's such a friendly social boy which has been aided by him being in nursery since he was 6 months, all his friends are from within his nursery group and as such they're an incredibly tight nit bunch. My worries stem from the fact that now a lot of his friends are going to different schools/staying on at nursery and the fact that he will be the youngest child in the school. Also when we were on Holiday he was playing with a boy of his age and some bigger kids came along as effectively took the piss out of the two of them because they were much younger than them. I took my son out of the situation and he got really upset as it hasn't been anything that he had ever been exposed to before.

Not sure what my overall point is but as parents it's natural for us to worry.

raymondo · Sep 3, 2018

Anything happens at school...we tell our boy [8 years] to report it to his teacher - his school is hot on stopping bullying and the kids are all encouraged to report it.
Re the games...we don't let him play Minecraft online with any 'friends' yet, unless the friend is present in our house and has been personally vetted by me or mum by watching them play together!! He isn't allowed near fortnite yet.
Maybe we should let him experience online bullying more [!!]...but we'd rather avoid it until he's a few years older and, hopefully, then more able to deal with it himself.

Bozza · Sep 3, 2018

Tom Hark said:
I think you may be worryingly unduly mate. There's elements of online bullying on NSC, but I'd be very surprised if any of it translates into bullying in real life. Two hugely different worlds. IMHO, like.

I clearly didn't explain myself very well. There's been bits said that have me believe that he has been picked on at school at times. Today's Minecraft thing was just illustrative of that, but it's far from my primary concern.

As I say, there is one child who very clearly can be quite unpleasant, and seems to succeed in leading impressionable others to behave in the same way when, perhaps, they wouldn't ordinarily.

Bozza · Sep 3, 2018

pishhead said:
As a parent it must be horrible witnessing something like this through the eyes of an adult.

It's scenarios like this that terrify me. Our son who just turned 4 is starting school next week. He's such a friendly social boy which has been aided by him being in nursery since he was 6 months, all his friends are from within his nursery group and as such they're an incredibly tight nit bunch. My worries stem from the fact that now a lot of his friends are going to different schools/staying on at nursery and the fact that he will be the youngest child in the school. Also when we were on Holiday he was playing with a boy of his age and some bigger kids came along as effectively took the piss out of the two of them because they were much younger than them. I took my son out of the situation and he got really upset as it hasn't been anything that he had ever been exposed to before.

Not sure what my overall point is but as parents it's natural for us to worry.

Yep, it's tough for sure.

brakespear · Sep 3, 2018

As others have said, the couple of times we had a similar issue we got in touch with the school who agreed to monitor the situation, they are very keen to take action on this sort of thing.

nwgull · Sep 3, 2018

Tom Hark said:
I think you may be worryingly unduly mate. There's elements of online bullying on NSC, but I'd be very surprised if any of it translates into bullying in real life. Two hugely different worlds. IMHO, like.

You can't compare stuff on NSC between adults (mainly) that are unliley to ever know each other in real life, let alone spend all week together at school. I ceratainly think that Bozza's concerns that behaviour towards his son on mincraft may trasnfer to real life are valid.

My missus is a primary head and is often asked stuff like this. The problem is that there are shitty kids that will pick on other kids that they perceive as different or vulnerable in any way - an easy target as you put it. As such it's not so much dealing with the shits themselves - because if you do another shit will come along in his/her place - but more a case of equiping your son with ways and strategies to deal with situations. I'm no expert on these strategies, but the suggestion of them learning a self defence isn't a bad one as it will certainly remove any perception of physical vulnerability.

Jim Van Winkle · Sep 3, 2018

Maybe have a word with the teacher before school starts, he/she can monitor the situation and maybe adjust any seating plan they may have if needs be.

Also, as someone else has suggested a martial art or boxing maybe good for confidence and self discipline. My teenage daughter decided she wanted to take up Tae-Kwon Do last year. After playing various team sports and not really enjoying them she has developed a real passion for TKD. Her confidence has grown and she has made a new group of friends.

studio150 · Sep 3, 2018

All the advice you need is in one of the early episodes of Liyhammer where Frank Tagliano advises the schoolboy on how to deal with bullies, get a sock fill it with stones and then whack the bullies when they start picking on you.

Seriously hope this was just a game thing, and your son is left alone to enjoy school and achieve the best he can

Tom Hark Preston Park · Sep 3, 2018

Bozza said:
I clearly didn't explain myself very well. There's been bits said that have me believe that he has been picked on at school at times. Today's Minecraft thing was just illustrative of that, but it's far from my primary concern.

As I say, there is one child who very clearly can be quite unpleasant, and seems to succeed in leading impressionable others to behave in the same way when, perhaps, they wouldn't ordinarily.

Sorry mate, didn't realise it was happening in the playground. Apologies. Got no real suggestions other than maybe ask your lad and the bullying kid and a couple of their mutual mates along to see an Albion under-23 game. Who knows, maybe they'd enjoy it and the Albion might gain a few extra fans. Good luck at what must be a difficult time.

beorhthelm · Sep 3, 2018

my lad gets on with a large group of peers, and doesnt raise problems except one that has older brothers and a rougher way of playing. we simply pay attention to what he says, ask about the incidents, say to step away from play he doesnt like. i think thats all you can do at first, be involved with what they're doing so anything escalating can be seen.

drew · Sep 3, 2018

Tom Hark said:
Jeez! Stop your 8 year old playing Minecraft online. Can it get any more simples? Or am I being whooshed in some subtle way?

Why should someone be stopped from playing minecraft because of another little shit bullying him?

Guinness Boy · Sep 3, 2018

Probably the biggest issue we had was with my son at an older age, ten.

Towards the end of year five we gave him an old phone and allowed him to start going to and from school with his friend. The phone was supposed to be for emergency calls only but he installed whatsapp - in fact many of them did - and there were groups set up. One particular kid insisted on being admin on the group and then kicked off everyone he didn't like. Another girl started sending my boy nasty messages and winding up the others. We told the teachers immediately and screen grabbed the evidence. The school dealt with it and it was a lot calmer thereafter. Since then he's had no problems though it probably helps that he goes to every home game with a popular kid who is in the year above him

We're in a world we think we know - digital, always on - but that we don't know from a child's perspective. Essentially parents and children are learning this world together at the same time. I think this is a pretty decent thread to share any tips like this on as there are a lot of us parents on NSC but my specific tip here is tell the school your worries. If it is a decent school they WIlL do something constructive about it. A slightly more awkward conversation awaits you and your Mrs if they don't however.

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[Misc] DadsNet: helping your kids deal with little shits

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