Got something to say or just want fewer pesky ads? Join us... 😊

[Sussex] Overly Jovial Train Announcements



Guinness Boy

Tofu eating wokerati
Helpful Moderator
NSC Patreon
Jul 23, 2003
33,820
Up and Coming Sunny Portslade
Has anyone else noticed the tendency for train announcements to drive you insane since good old Harry Clipper was replaced by “on board supervisors”?

Female one this morning started her arrival at Victoria speech today “wakey wakey, rise and shine” AT 7 BASTARDING AM :wrong: while the bloke on tonight’s Gatwick Express implored us to “come to the front of the train because that’s where the party’s at man” (he meant there were some free seats). How long before one of them gets their PA shoved up their ‘arris? And what’s the reason? Are they all out of work actors or have they been collectively trained by Alan Partridge? It’s really starting to get on my Earthas.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 




knocky1

Well-known member
Jan 20, 2010
12,948
Friend is a train driver. 8 years ago new at the job he was shocked to hear the Guard announce
"We are approaching Eastbourne. Time for you fat b******s to throw your Burger boxes on the floor and get off my ******* train"

Mate didn't know train was empty.
 


Guinness Boy

Tofu eating wokerati
Helpful Moderator
NSC Patreon
Jul 23, 2003
33,820
Up and Coming Sunny Portslade
Friend is a train driver. 8 years ago new at the job he was shocked to hear the Guard announce
"We are approaching Eastbourne. Time for you fat b******s to throw your Burger boxes on the floor and get off my ******* train"

Mate didn't know train was empty.

:lolol:

I’d actually applaud that. Like the stewardess on Air New Zealand who told a mate’s flight “welcome to Wellington, please set your watch back 20 years”


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 


Beach Hut

Brighton Bhuna Boy
Jul 5, 2003
71,903
Living In a Box
Ever heard that inane drivel from one of the platform announcers at Victoria tube station, complete tosh
 




5ways

Well-known member
Sep 18, 2012
2,217
A conductor on a 745 train to London Waterloo had a spiel that went something like "this is your captain of the USS SW Trains, I wish you a pleasant onward journey as you depart this deep space nine, thrusters are disengaged and tractor-beam is activated. Live long and prosper" or something to that affect with a few more Star Trek references thrown in. It was quite prepared but it is hard to be enthusastic at that time in the morning. Pretty sure he has a fantasy one too "those adventurers about to depart the shire on an epic quest there are no reported balrogs in the area..." yada yada yada
 


Guinness Boy

Tofu eating wokerati
Helpful Moderator
NSC Patreon
Jul 23, 2003
33,820
Up and Coming Sunny Portslade
Ever heard that inane drivel from one of the platform announcers at Victoria tube station, complete tosh

Yep that’s another one. There’s a bloke who just keeps banging on about snapchat and whatsapp. I quite like the Rasta geezer though. Meanwhile, back on my train, some c***’s BUSKING. Badly. :rant:


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 


CP 0 3 BHA

Well-known member
Nov 28, 2003
2,256
Northants
Even worse, a few weeks ago we finally got on a substantially delayed evening Easyjet flight back from Jersey only to find that the Cabin Manager was an aspiring Stand Up comedian. We weren't the most receptive of audiences.
 




Wrong-Direction

Well-known member
Mar 10, 2013
13,395
I've always found them amusing, too many miserable ******** .

Sent from my SM-A310F using Tapatalk
 


knocky1

Well-known member
Jan 20, 2010
12,948
:lolol:

I’d actually applaud that. Like the stewardess on Air New Zealand who told a mate’s flight “welcome to Wellington, please set your watch back 20 years”


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

:lolol:
You can't beat the antipodean non PC humour. After 9/11 passengers were banned from waiting outside the inflight toilets for, horse has already bolted, security reasons. Our Qantas Stewardess announced
"All passengers must be aware that they are not to congregate outside the toilets and that includes you too Sean" pointing at fellow gay Steward Sean who was deliberately mincing around outside the toilets.
 






studio150

Well-known member
Jul 30, 2011
29,555
On the Border
Has anyone else noticed the tendency for train announcements to drive you insane since good old Harry Clipper was replaced by “on board supervisors”?

Female one this morning started her arrival at Victoria speech today “wakey wakey, rise and shine” AT 7 BASTARDING AM :wrong: while the bloke on tonight’s Gatwick Express implored us to “come to the front of the train because that’s where the party’s at man” (he meant there were some free seats). How long before one of them gets their PA shoved up their ‘arris? And what’s the reason? Are they all out of work actors or have they been collectively trained by Alan Partridge? It’s really starting to get on my Earthas.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Personally I think anyone that drones on and on like this should be sacked. Their priority is to provide information to passengers on which stations are approaching and which part of the train to be in, if it divides or the route has short platforms. Also to keep passengers updated on delays.

However I suspect there has been a management directive to be all happy clappy as they have received a few tweets from idiots saying how pleased they were with these idiotic announcements and they can retweet these thereby hiding how poor the service still is.

It must be about time that when these announcements are made passengers are entitled to a refund on their ticket cost due to having to suffer this tripe.

Not a fan
 


Luke93

STAND OR FALL
Jun 23, 2013
5,028
Shoreham
Had a bizarre train announcement on my way to Chichester last year. As we were approaching Ford station the female train steward gave an announcement highlighting we were passing Arundal castle and produced a few facts I’ve since forgotten. Too much information for 8AM.
 


Eeyore

Lord Donkey of Queen's Park
NSC Patreon
Apr 5, 2014
23,381
I remember once being held up for two hours in mid- Sussex due to a death on the line.

When we got back to town the announcement came over the speakers:

" We are sorry for the delay to the 1732 from London Bridge- this was due to a severe fatality at Balcombe..."
 




pasty

A different kind of pasty
Jul 5, 2003
30,178
West, West, West Sussex
Had one recently who thought it hilarious on a rammed commuter train going up to London in the pissing rain to give us "We are now approaching Gatwick Airport. Change here for the Caribbean and Florida" :tosser:
 


Badger

NOT the Honey Badger
NSC Patreon
May 8, 2007
12,750
Toronto
There was one particular guard who was quite often on the 7.32 to London Bridge. As soon as I heard his first announcement, I knew I wasn't going to be having much of a nap. He'd insist and making multiple announcements as we approached a station and then list out the stations as we pulled away. This was on top of the automated announcement which give us exactly the same information. He was also obsessed with telling us exactly which carriages the toilets were located in. It was a Gatwick Express train, there were located at the end of pretty much every carriage. Then we'd approach London Bridge and he'd give as a detailed rundown of the state of the tube lines and any connecting train services. He once give us some vital information about a train delay in Carlisle :lolol:
 


Gwylan

Well-known member
Jul 5, 2003
31,324
Uffern
There was one particular guard who was quite often on the 7.32 to London Bridge. As soon as I heard his first announcement, I knew I wasn't going to be having much of a nap.

When I have an early appointment in London, I go up by coach now. Not only is it cheaper but the driver doesn't make any inane announcements at ear-splitting volume nor do you get woken from your slumbers by some jobsworth demanding to see your ticket. The coach is great: I put my headphones on to listen to some Bach, close my eyes and I'm in the arms of Morpheus, generally until I reach Mitcham or Streatham
 


The Large One

Who's Next?
Jul 7, 2003
52,343
97.2FM
Has anyone else noticed the tendency for train announcements to drive you insane since good old Harry Clipper was replaced by “on board supervisors”?

Female one this morning started her arrival at Victoria speech today “wakey wakey, rise and shine” AT 7 BASTARDING AM :wrong: while the bloke on tonight’s Gatwick Express implored us to “come to the front of the train because that’s where the party’s at man” (he meant there were some free seats). How long before one of them gets their PA shoved up their ‘arris? And what’s the reason? Are they all out of work actors or have they been collectively trained by Alan Partridge? It’s really starting to get on my Earthas.

You miserable sodding misery.
 






Madafwo

I'm probably being facetious.
Nov 11, 2013
1,591
There was one particular guard who was quite often on the 7.32 to London Bridge. As soon as I heard his first announcement, I knew I wasn't going to be having much of a nap. He'd insist and making multiple announcements as we approached a station and then list out the stations as we pulled away. This was on top of the automated announcement which give us exactly the same information. He was also obsessed with telling us exactly which carriages the toilets were located in. It was a Gatwick Express train, there were located at the end of pretty much every carriage. Then we'd approach London Bridge and he'd give as a detailed rundown of the state of the tube lines and any connecting train services. He once give us some vital information about a train delay in Carlisle :lolol:

I'm pretty sure I know who this is, he is a very good friend of mine.

My announcements were to the point but always said to stop me while I was walking through the train if you have any further questions as not everyone wants to know about delays up North.

There is also a massive disparity between how management receive them. One of my colleagues remarked that people should mind the gap between the timetable and reality and got dragged over hot coals because someone complained, a driver made the same announcement and someone liked it and tweeted about it and he was the best driver ever according the company.
 



Paying the bills

Latest Discussions

Paying the bills

Paying the bills

Paying the bills

Albion and Premier League latest from Sky Sports


Top
Link Here