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  1. #1
    Brain dead MUG SHEEP Easy 10's Avatar
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    Meeting Paul Barber - some ESSENTIAL survival tips...


    4 Not allowed!
    Hi guys. For anyone who is going to the meeting with Paul Barber, I have come across a handy safety leaflet with some really useful bulletpoints for hopefully coming away unscathed.


    1. If you see Paul Barber in an executive lounge, avoid going in. This is just plain common sense, even if it means having to walk the long way around to get to your destination.

    2. If you absolutely must to go through the lounge, be aware that Paul Barber may see you as a threat and warn you to keep away. Look for these signs:

    • Pawing the carpet and rubbing himself on it
    • Growling (it sounds something like "Rrrrrumph...rrrrummph")
    • Tossing his head
    • Glaring at you.
    • He will even show you his side to deliberately intimidate you, just to show you how big and powerful he is.

    3. Be aware that Paul Barber can go after you without you even being aware of it, until he's trying to put snot down your back pockets.

    4. If you absolutely have to go in the same executive lounge as Paul Barber, pack a weapon with you. That weapon must be a thick stick that won't break on impact, an axe handle, a one to two-foot long piece of PVC pipe, or a baseball bat; anything that you can carry in your hand to defend yourself with or make Paul Barber think twice about attacking you. Also, keep close to the door to make your escape that much easier. Paul Barber can outrun people, so make sure your escape route is a short one.

    5. The best thing you could do is if there's no place to hide or if you're out in the middle of a lounge or concourse, is to either side-step Paul Barber and run in the opposite direction, or face Paul Barber, yell (or scream) as loud as you can and give him the hardest hit across the face as you possibly can with the weapon in your hand.

    • Depending on your level of adrenaline, you may find yourself doing this more than once, especially if you have the big fellow come running at you.
    • This may (and does) sound cruel, but it is a practice that has been done by many Directors and Managers when they have to deal with Paul Barber when he has charged at them, or is about to do so.
    • You can either stand your ground until Paul Barber backs off and then chase him, or hit and run. Very often a really hard hit to the nose is enough to make him stop chasing after you.

    6. Do not stand and fight Paul Barber, because you will not win. If and when he gets you down on the ground, you are pretty much finished, no matter if he has his mustard yellow woolly jumper on or not. He can and will flip you around like a rag doll, even if you are lying flat.

    • Remember, it's not a matter of if he gets you, it's only a matter of when.

    7. How do children escape Paul Barber ? What do I do if someone gets hurt?

    First of all, DO NOT PUT CHILDREN IN WITH PAUL BARBER if you do not know how he will react. The first rule to prevent an attack is to avoid it altogether. This is common sense. If children are with Paul Barber and he unpredictably attacks, make sure they have something to climb up. If someone gets hurt, and it's serious, call Paul Camillan or rush them to a hospital yourself.



    All good sound advice. Just bear these tips in mind and everyone should come away from the evening unharmed. And hey - be careful in there.
    "But you accept that there is an increased risk of vehicle/bat collision"

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    • #2
      Members Ron Manager's Avatar
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      Wouldn't it take the edge off of the situation if the event were staged in a more neutral environment like say a Kidz Play establishment or similar?
      Mmmmm....jumpers for goalposts
    • #3
      Tedious chump Mr Banana's Avatar
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      0 Not allowed!
      Cannot believe that the original of this actually says not to put children in with a bull

      Superb
    • #4
      BHA 1-0 NUFC Brok's Avatar
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      Can't you just kick him in the bollocks while he's rubbing himself on the carpet?
      As it stands, there are eight 0's in the whole PL table.
      Chrystal Palace have half of them.

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    • #5
      Stop bloody moaning! Daffy Duck's Avatar
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      And yet he's never been included in "World's Hardest Creature" poll.
    • #6
      Members Wozza's Avatar
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      I smell bull.
      I listen to bands that don't even exist yet.
    • #7
      The birthplace of Rohan!
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      Roars of laughter
      Don't take what I say with a pinch of salt
      Take it with a line and a Whisky short

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    • #8

      2 Not allowed!
      The first rule of Paul Barber is that you don't talk about Paul Barber.
      Sent from my Omsung A5 Phine
    • #9
      Longing for retirement. AmexRuislip's Avatar
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      0 Not allowed!
      Quote Originally Posted by Easy 10 View Post
      This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
      Hi guys. For anyone who is going to the meeting with Paul Barber, I have come across a handy safety leaflet with some really useful bulletpoints for hopefully coming away unscathed.


      1. If you see Paul Barber in an executive lounge, avoid going in. This is just plain common sense, even if it means having to walk the long way around to get to your destination.

      2. If you absolutely must to go through the lounge, be aware that Paul Barber may see you as a threat and warn you to keep away. Look for these signs:

      • Pawing the carpet and rubbing himself on it
      • Growling (it sounds something like "Rrrrrumph...rrrrummph")
      • Tossing his head
      • Glaring at you.
      • He will even show you his side to deliberately intimidate you, just to show you how big and powerful he is.

      3. Be aware that Paul Barber can go after you without you even being aware of it, until he's trying to put snot down your back pockets.

      4. If you absolutely have to go in the same executive lounge as Paul Barber, pack a weapon with you. That weapon must be a thick stick that won't break on impact, an axe handle, a one to two-foot long piece of PVC pipe, or a baseball bat; anything that you can carry in your hand to defend yourself with or make Paul Barber think twice about attacking you. Also, keep close to the door to make your escape that much easier. Paul Barber can outrun people, so make sure your escape route is a short one.

      5. The best thing you could do is if there's no place to hide or if you're out in the middle of a lounge or concourse, is to either side-step Paul Barber and run in the opposite direction, or face Paul Barber, yell (or scream) as loud as you can and give him the hardest hit across the face as you possibly can with the weapon in your hand.

      • Depending on your level of adrenaline, you may find yourself doing this more than once, especially if you have the big fellow come running at you.
      • This may (and does) sound cruel, but it is a practice that has been done by many Directors and Managers when they have to deal with Paul Barber when he has charged at them, or is about to do so.
      • You can either stand your ground until Paul Barber backs off and then chase him, or hit and run. Very often a really hard hit to the nose is enough to make him stop chasing after you.

      6. Do not stand and fight Paul Barber, because you will not win. If and when he gets you down on the ground, you are pretty much finished, no matter if he has his mustard yellow woolly jumper on or not. He can and will flip you around like a rag doll, even if you are lying flat.

      • Remember, it's not a matter of if he gets you, it's only a matter of when.

      7. How do children escape Paul Barber ? What do I do if someone gets hurt?

      First of all, DO NOT PUT CHILDREN IN WITH PAUL BARBER if you do not know how he will react. The first rule to prevent an attack is to avoid it altogether. This is common sense. If children are with Paul Barber and he unpredictably attacks, make sure they have something to climb up. If someone gets hurt, and it's serious, call Paul Camillan or rush them to a hospital yourself.



      All good sound advice. Just bear these tips in mind and everyone should come away from the evening unharmed. And hey - be careful in there.
      Is he supplying Tena Men, for all the bedwetters that might attend?

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