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  1. #51
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    Quote Originally Posted by PILTDOWN MAN View Post
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    Problem is women speak openly to their friends about private issues. This leads to a frenzy of advice normally resulting in you being a ******* and take you for everything.

    Men on the other hand might say to a mate they're having a few problems and the net result is going to the pub getting slaughtered and f**k the world.

    Next day you're still the ******* but now you've got a raging hangover
    Not all women are like that. Because I worked full time I didn't go after a penny of his income. I was entitled to half the equity in the house but had most of that deducted to cover childcare costs until they were 18. I didn't contest it as I thought it was fair


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    • #52
      Members Captain Sensible's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by Smeagull View Post
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      Yep, it does sound like our situations are oddly similar. My wife hasn't had health issues but she has had family members with serious mental health issues, one of which we lived with in the first few years of our relationship. And as I'm sure anyone who has dealt with mental health issues, it is a scary and harrowing experience. I could have walked away then but I didn't I stayed and supported her to be her rock and help care for her family members. We've been through so much together so it baffles me how quickly she can come to this decision and how she is so unwilling to talk and work through this.

      I too thought we were happy and had a good marriage, friends told me how envious they were of our family. She seems to think that this is best for the kids, that they won't hear us argue any more, but we didn't even argue that much, no more than the average marriage I'd say. I don't think she has fully thought out how this is going to affect the kids. I came from a broken home and wished for so long that my parents hadn't split up (bad step parents didn't help this situation). We'll both going to be skint, she's already started cancelling music and other lessons.

      Right now she's being very co-operative when it comes to me seeing the kids and finances but I know she's got friends and family whispering in her ear and I'm worried that it won't continue like this. I would like to settle this between us and not get the courts involved. I'm willing to be quite generous financially as I'm full time and she's part time, but I also need to start thinking about my own living situation. I'd give her more if I could. I'm worried that people will give her ideas and this could turn nasty so I'm considering going to see a solicitor.

      One thing that has been helping me is when I've felt really down I've gone for a long walk or done some weights. My confidence and self-esteem has really taken a hit with all this happening but exercising has helped to make me feel better and I'm starting to see a change in my physique which could a) help attract her to me again or dare I say it b) help with dating in the future (How do you even date again after 12 years?)

      This thread is definitely helping me, seems like there's some sound advice on these pages.
      Are we married to the same woman?! Saying things like 'it will be better for the kids' even though it might bankrupt us is strikingly similar. I will definitely get out and about. My cousin has invited me to go to Cornwall over the weekend to get away. I'll take your advice. I also started exercising more.
      I think the best route is mediation followed by a legal settlement agreement. But I'm sure there will be twists and turns for the better or worse.
    • #53
      Members PILTDOWN MAN's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by Emily's Mum View Post
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      Not all women are like that. Because I worked full time I didn't go after a penny of his income. I was entitled to half the equity in the house but had most of that deducted to cover childcare costs until they were 18. I didn't contest it as I thought it was fair


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      If I refer to an earlier post am I right in saying he had the children? You may not have gone after his money but why would you even be entitled to any of his income?

      My first wife left me, I found out she was having an affair (one of many I later concluded) I had brought up our daughter (5 at the time) whilst working fulltime. She drained the joint bank account of over £15000, come up with a cock and ball story with the bank and got me removed from the account. She then set up home with this guy who was a wealthy business man. She worked in his business earning shite loads but only ever paid me £10 a month for maintenance having lied about her earnings to csa.

      20 years on my daughter has sussed her as well. She parades herself around the 1901 club and jointly owns one of our major pitch side sponsors, when she sees me, she looks at me as if I was a piece of shite. I however look at her fat ugly face (time hasn't been kind, a radio face some would say) and think thank God for that I'm well rid of the self centred morally deficient B*tch.
      “FROM the towns all Inns have been driven: from the villages most. . . . Change your hearts or you will lose your Inns and you will deserve to have lost them. But when you have lost your Inns drown your empty selves, for you will have lost the last of England.”
    • #54
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      Quote Originally Posted by PILTDOWN MAN View Post
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      If I refer to an earlier post am I right in saying he had the children? You may not have gone after his money but why would you even be entitled to any of his income?

      My first wife left me, I found out she was having an affair (one of many I later concluded) I had brought up our daughter (5 at the time) whilst working fulltime. She drained the joint bank account of over £15000, come up with a cock and ball story with the bank and got me removed from the account. She then set up home with this guy who was a wealthy business man. She worked in his business earning shite loads but only ever paid me £10 a month for maintenance having lied about her earnings to csa.

      20 years on my daughter has sussed her as well. She parades herself around the 1901 club and jointly owns one of our major pitch side sponsors, when she sees me, she looks at me as if I was a piece of shite. I however look at her fat ugly face (time hasn't been kind, a radio face some would say) and think thank God for that I'm well rid of the self centred morally deficient B*tch.
      I don't know, I didn't use a solicitor to find out what I was entitled to. Being entitled to something and doing what is fair can be two completely different things. All I was trying to say was that not all women are the same


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    • #55
      Members Bob'n'weave's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by Captain Sensible View Post
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      Wow, your situation is almost a mirror of mine. Except we married quite early on. We have been together 14years and married 10. She has had health issues, and all sorts of time (6years)and money has been spent on trying to help her live with her condition and also supporting her through all of it. I was feeling a bit low for a few months last year. I was finding myself tired and asleep all the time until I took some time off work and snapped out of it. I just had a bit of burnout and worked all over Christmas and felt a bit crappy. I supported her through all her problems and the one time I have a wobble, she says I'm hard to live with, she's not happy and that's it. Over! I just don't get it at all. It's like if I'd have dropped a kitchen knife on my barefoot, I wouldn't be allowed to swear or shout, if I do she accuses me of flying off the handle! It's crazy. Yet she is so tense, so stressed, and I when I point that out, she says I made her like that. I knew we weren't getting on as great as some other years but honestly our marriage is not a bad one and we hardly ever argue. I just honestly don't get it and I'm so afraid for my kids also.
      I think we will try mediation after reading a lot of the excellent advice on here. She says a50/50 split but I am full time and she is part time and obviously I bring more to the table financially. But if i am to have to start a new life i can't afford to contribute what i do now. I am just so worried for my kids. I would like joint custody if I can get it. I am not going to move out but I'm off work and will go away somewhere for a few days. Being in the house is almost unbearable and I can't think straight. I don't want to live in a loveless (from her side) and non intimate marriage in the house. With the threat of her trying to take my life and my kids. It's like my whole world is falling apart.

      Thanks NSC for the great advice!
      Unrequited love can be emotionally crippling, especially when you are trying to keep it together under the same roof. I eventually moved into a shared house which was financially manageable and the kids came to bunk up with me in my room over the weekends. I looked online to see what the CSA would take off me, if she applied, and gave her that each month to avoid legal frameworks. Custody should not be an issue if you can work it out fairly. A good mediator should be able to help with explaining the realities of this in regards to what a court is likely to decide, avoiding legal sharks and court rulings which make it difficult to keep an open mind about getting back together.
      Lying in the spare room tearing yourself apart about what you could have done, or what you might be able to do to 'fix it' is just going to make things worse. The stronger you are, the better it will be for you and the kids. She has made her mind up about the change in HER life, there is nothing you can do about that. If her mindset is going to change it will be down to her, not you. The more you can do to keep yourself strong the better.
      After 3 years of pining for my family back I have finally got over the pain. Even though I still love her, I have found my own strength again and have accepted the situation for what it is, that takes time CS, but don't worry you will get through this.
      Have you seen the Muppet Show........
    • #56

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      Quote Originally Posted by Oxy McFloppie-Tish View Post
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      True, but we have the benefit of NSC!
      And women don't? 😉
    • #57
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      Quote Originally Posted by PILTDOWN MAN View Post
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      If I refer to an earlier post am I right in saying he had the children? You may not have gone after his money but why would you even be entitled to any of his income?

      My first wife left me, I found out she was having an affair (one of many I later concluded) I had brought up our daughter (5 at the time) whilst working fulltime. She drained the joint bank account of over £15000, come up with a cock and ball story with the bank and got me removed from the account. She then set up home with this guy who was a wealthy business man. She worked in his business earning shite loads but only ever paid me £10 a month for maintenance having lied about her earnings to csa.

      20 years on my daughter has sussed her as well. She parades herself around the 1901 club and jointly owns one of our major pitch side sponsors, when she sees me, she looks at me as if I was a piece of shite. I however look at her fat ugly face (time hasn't been kind, a radio face some would say) and think thank God for that I'm well rid of the self centred morally deficient B*tch.
      that is truly awful, I agree you are well rid of her! Well done bringing up your daughter, not easy I know, my nephew is doing the same
    • #58
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      Quote Originally Posted by Bob'n'weave View Post
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      Unrequited love can be emotionally crippling, especially when you are trying to keep it together under the same roof. I eventually moved into a shared house which was financially manageable and the kids came to bunk up with me in my room over the weekends. I looked online to see what the CSA would take off me, if she applied, and gave her that each month to avoid legal frameworks. Custody should not be an issue if you can work it out fairly. A good mediator should be able to help with explaining the realities of this in regards to what a court is likely to decide, avoiding legal sharks and court rulings which make it difficult to keep an open mind about getting back together.
      Lying in the spare room tearing yourself apart about what you could have done, or what you might be able to do to 'fix it' is just going to make things worse. The stronger you are, the better it will be for you and the kids. She has made her mind up about the change in HER life, there is nothing you can do about that. If her mindset is going to change it will be down to her, not you. The more you can do to keep yourself strong the better.
      After 3 years of pining for my family back I have finally got over the pain. Even though I still love her, I have found my own strength again and have accepted the situation for what it is, that takes time CS, but don't worry you will get through this.
      I didn't realise the CSA still existed, good advice, stay well clear of the CSA and work finances out without them.
    • #59
      Mama said knock you out. LlcoolJ's Avatar
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      Have PM'd CS but suffice to say on here, a lot of illogical antagonism and what feels like intentional misunderstanding can actually be sorted out by anti depressants in many cases (not just mine).

      Sometimes the root cause is actually all internal. Not your fault, not an affair.....
    • #60
      Members Bob'n'weave's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by pearl View Post
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      I didn't realise the CSA still existed, good advice, stay well clear of the CSA and work finances out without them.
      Found a link to the .Gov page about the CSA. There is some good info about how they operate and how to sort things out without involving them.
      https://www.gov.uk/child-maintenance/overview

      Here is the page I used to calculate what she was entitled to, pre-empting any legal/CSA involvement.
      https://www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance
      Have you seen the Muppet Show........

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