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  1. #21
    Registered ruffian skipper734's Avatar
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    6 Not allowed!
    Rule of thumb. Personal experience. This was told to me, A monkey doesn't let go of a branch until it grasps another one.
    Exiled amongst the red and white, at the wrong end of the A/M27. (P)

    I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion, I watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain.........Time to die.

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    • #22

      8 Not allowed!
      I'm very sorry to hear your news, I'm currently going through the same after 13 years of marriage ( 3 kids involved) but I'm a lot further down the line than you, my advise would be to fight for your marriage if that's what you want, however take a step back at times and don't force things, you will feel pain and anger, try and keep your feelings and arguments away from your children, unfortunately they will remember then.

      Stay put in your house and don't walk away, it will be a long, hard battle which you need to be strong for, not only for yourself but your children
      My biggest bit of advice would be, talk to someone, definitely not your wife maybe not even a friend could be a doctor or someone on here but don't make my mistake and bottle it all up, it nearly killed me
    • #23
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      1 Not allowed!
      Tough one mate, feel for you, separated from my ex about 6 years ago, we weren't married but had been together about 10 years, house and kids. Difference being we both kind of realised it was coming to an end so mostly it's been pretty amicable. Did speak to a solicitor once, after a bit of a falling out when the house was sold. Kay & Pascoe in Crowborough, not sure where you are. He was very good, encouraged me not to get the courts involved unless as a last resort. As long as you have mutually agreed access and time with the kids, leave it as that. Once a court order is made, all flexibility is removed and you have to stick 100% to that.

      I realise that is a bit further down the line for you, and hopefully advice that won't be needed, but just thought I'd pass it on in case the worst comes to the worst. Just make sure, if you can, that you don't use the kids against each other, their welfare should be both of your priority. I wish you all the best, and hope you manage to work it through with her. Good luck
    • #24
      HellBilly Psychobilly freakout's Avatar
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      0 Not allowed!
      Quote Originally Posted by Smeagull View Post
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      Hi captain, I'm in a similar situation. Partner of 12 years (been married for 20 months) with two children together decided she no longer feels the same way about me a couple of weeks ago. We had a bad argument and she told me to go stay at my mums for a few days so we could have some space. After a couple of days I was aching to get back but she rang to tell me the news and told me not to come home. We don't own the house but i do have some savings that I did plan on using for a home within the next couple of years. I know I've made some mistakes in the relationship but I didn't think it was so bad that we couldn't work through it but she seems to be adamant that she's made up her mind and nothing I could do could change it. I haven't cheated and she says she hasn't and although I believe her the thought that she has does linger in my mind sometimes. It hit me hard and being away from the kids is really tough. I still go over and look after them 3 or 4 days a week at them moment which is nice and she says I'm a great Dad and that she'd never stop me from seeing them but I do worry that she could change her mind about that. I've stayed on the sofa a few times and generally when I'm there we get on really well but whenever I bring up the situation she says she doesn't want to talk about it and that she's made up her mind. I don't understand how she can moan at me for 6 years to marry her then as soon as I do she changes her mind. It's not even been a year since our honeymoon ffs.

      Meanwhile I'm sleeping on an airbed at my mums which is like a Zoo with my younger step-siblings there, looking at cr*ppy overpriced flats on rightmove because I want somewhere that I can spend time with my kids. I still feel that we can work this out so I don't really want to rush into anything.

      Anyway, what I'm basically saying is that I'll be keeping an eye on this thread for the advice too and if you fancy a chat then drop me a message.
      Sorry to hear that fella, hope all things sort themselves out for you.
      PsYcHoBiLlY fReAkOuT "Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law"
    • #25
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      0 Not allowed!
      Thankfully never been in that position but would have thought the best advice and cheapest would be to contact the CAB. Do they not offer and arrange a 30 min free consultation with a solicitor?
    • #26
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      9 Not allowed!
      Sorry to hear your news.

      I split up from my husband 13 years ago. It was incredibly amicable; I told him the week before we went on holiday and we sat on a sunbeds working out who was having what. I knew I wanted to move away from the area, and I was leaving the children (aged 7 & 12) behind. I was lucky, I worked in a bank and dealt with mortgages when people were getting divorced, so I knew what I was entitled to & didn't use a solicitor. My Ex's solicitor told him he wasn't going to make any money out of him as we had agreed on everything.

      So, what did I learn?

      Never ever argue in front of the children, they will remember it. My children were shocked when we said we were separating as they only saw us being nice to each other. It takes a lot of patience and resilience.

      Try and go for joint custody of the children. We did, and it enabled me to see them whenever I wanted. All the court wanted to know was where the children were going to be living for the majority of the time.

      Do you have a joint bank account? Does your salary go into it? This is hard as you obviously love your wife and want to trust her. However sometimes you have to put yourself first. Would you be happy to work all month and then find that your salary gets completely withdrawn?

      If you can try and discuss the payments to all of your outgoings, who is paying for what etc. Going overdrawn or missing payments can have a serious affect on your credit rating which in turn will affect the ability of both of you to get credit (or even a rented property) in the future.

      Do you know exactly what goes out of your bank account? My husband didn't have a clue. It's best to know exactly what your financial position is.

      13 years on and I am delighted to say that myself and my Ex have moved on, but the best bit is that my children love me completely. Now that they are older they appreciate that being an adult can be difficult. They don't know the reasons behind our split, but they understand that peace of mind and happiness are important and I left them because that's what I had to do at time.

      Good luck
      Daft Bint

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    • #27
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      9 months in and I feel for you


      4 Not allowed!
      Quote Originally Posted by BensGrandad View Post
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      Thankfully never been in that position but would have thought the best advice and cheapest would be to contact the CAB. Do they not offer and arrange a 30 min free consultation with a solicitor?
      Sounds awful, best advice I can give having been 9 month in now and going through divorce, IVA, homelessness etc is make sure you have a solicitor. Divorce law in this country is a victims charter and those victims are the couple and children.
      In 2007 the then Labour govt tried to instigate a no-fault divorce law but backed down because of the Daily Mail which was cowardly in the extreme. As a result, the divorce laws are there to create conflict and a sensible "No-fault" divorce doesn't exist which would have made your situation less stressful or expensive. If you can avoid it, do so. The only winners are solicitors. Adultery or not, blame is equal in the courts terms, but is at least a quick route through it, otherwise it's two years of separation then divorce. A previous poster suggested mediation, this is a good option. However, if your wife pushes it, you need to look out for yourself because in family law the husband gets shafted. If you do go down the divorce route, make it as amicable as possible, bite your tongue, even when it kills you, be reasonable at all costs for the kids sake, that's vital. Have good friends around you, listen but don't over react emotionally. I say all this because I didn't heed my own words and it's a mess.
      My ex is in the house with the kids, I am sleeping in my office (about to be evicted) and broke. I offered and asked my wife to go to counselling years ago, she refused, 7 years of an "unphysical relationship" later I gave in to the inevitable and met someone, I should have known and got out sooner. Here's the upside and you may not think there is one, but there is.
      If you can keep your head and save it, go for it but if it does go down the drain, be the strong one, be the one who keeps your dignity and you will get through it.
      I've got a great relationship now with a woman who genuinely loves me, I see the kids but I am looking for somewhere to live and yes I'm broke, but it's actually better than it was. You will get through it whatever happens, tell your self that every day, like a mantra and if you come through it with a stronger marriage, all the better. As Kipling said, "if you can keep your head while those about you are losing theirs..." etc. And there's always the Albion to cheer you up. Best of luck mate. UTA.
      Smith Did Score
    • #28
      Members Bob'n'weave's Avatar
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      3 Not allowed!
      My heart goes out to you fella. Been through exactly this after 23yrs with mine with 2 kids. My best advice is LOOK AFTER YOURSELF, if that means talking to a professional about how you can deal with what you are feeling, then do it. We did not go down the legal route and 4 years on things are ok. Put the kids first, be strong for them and do not underestimate how it is going to be affecting them. My ex had a gaggle of 'mates' doing the 'right on sister' bit, so be prepared for that element of interference.
      I would say don't move out, but I couldn't bear it and left after 6 weeks of spare rooming it. Some good advice on here, keep it amicable, stay out of court etc. If you do move out, be careful about trying to create another family home for the kids, unless you can afford it. If you leave, there will be maintenance issues as far as the kids are concerned, and you will be hard pressed to keep two households running. Good luck and take care.
      Have you seen the Muppet Show........
    • #29
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      1 Not allowed!
      Quote Originally Posted by Smeagull View Post
      This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
      Hi captain, I'm in a similar situation. Partner of 12 years (been married for 20 months) with two children together decided she no longer feels the same way about me a couple of weeks ago. We had a bad argument and she told me to go stay at my mums for a few days so we could have some space. After a couple of days I was aching to get back but she rang to tell me the news and told me not to come home. We don't own the house but i do have some savings that I did plan on using for a home within the next couple of years. I know I've made some mistakes in the relationship but I didn't think it was so bad that we couldn't work through it but she seems to be adamant that she's made up her mind and nothing I could do could change it. I haven't cheated and she says she hasn't and although I believe her the thought that she has does linger in my mind sometimes. It hit me hard and being away from the kids is really tough. I still go over and look after them 3 or 4 days a week at them moment which is nice and she says I'm a great Dad and that she'd never stop me from seeing them but I do worry that she could change her mind about that. I've stayed on the sofa a few times and generally when I'm there we get on really well but whenever I bring up the situation she says she doesn't want to talk about it and that she's made up her mind. I don't understand how she can moan at me for 6 years to marry her then as soon as I do she changes her mind. It's not even been a year since our honeymoon ffs.

      Meanwhile I'm sleeping on an airbed at my mums which is like a Zoo with my younger step-siblings there, looking at cr*ppy overpriced flats on rightmove because I want somewhere that I can spend time with my kids. I still feel that we can work this out so I don't really want to rush into anything.

      Anyway, what I'm basically saying is that I'll be keeping an eye on this thread for the advice too and if you fancy a chat then drop me a message.
      I probably shouldn't say this, but I'm going to ... she sounds a right selfish cow
    • #30
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      3 Not allowed!
      Quality advice as usual from the great and good on NSC

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