True, but we have the benefit of NSC!
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Legal advice, family law.
- Thread starter Captain Sensible
- Start date
True, but we have the benefit of NSC!
Captain Sensible
Well-known member
- Thread starter
- #42
This is exactly it as well, it's other influences that have a little whisper in her ear all the time telling her what she can and can't do and those people don't have to put up with the consequences of telling someone 'you need to be happy'.
Scunner
Active member
A distressing thread to read particularly if, like me, you have been through it. My advice is that you have to reconcile yourself to some fundamental matters:
1: She is seeing or talking to someone else. If you can manage to have an amicable conversation about this do it. If not, do some simple investigating without alerting anyone to what you're doing. My divorce was my fault over the long term, but I couldn't get my ex to admit there was 'someone else' at a certain point until I found out his name and asked her who he was. She was shocked I knew but it didn't take much working out. I looked through her Facebook, found 'recently added' friends, eliminated those not relevant and focused on one or two. Then I got hold of her mobile phone statement and put a repeated number into google and cross-referenced it with the people on Facebook.
If you find out [that there is someone] don't aggressively challenge her, have an amicable conversation and see if you can get past it. If not at least you tried. There is always the possibility that this is a 'cry for help'. Very often women in particular can feel undervalued in a relationship and even the slightest attention from another - not necessarily sexual - can mean that they turn on their spouse. My suspicions were raised when she moaned at me for never taking her to lunch when I worked from home occasionally, which seemed odd and out of character. The other person was a confidante, male and made no pretence about his desire for her; nothing sexual had happened to that point but it was 'happening' in an emotional sense. If I had wanted to this was the point I could have saved the relationship; I didn't want to. I still feel bad about it now, but at some point the truth has to be confronted. She was right to have explored this other friendship.
2. Put the children first at all times. I don't mean collectively, I mean from your perspective. It is tempting to be selfish about your pain and your hurt but if you focus on placing the children first you will preserve your integrity and reap the long-term benefit of this approach.
3. Accept that you will will pay more. The house will be sold but there is a legal presumption that she will be the primary carer and thus you will have to level up the income gap to support the children. This is acceptable.
4. Maintain a positive outlook and do not argue in front of the children or 'slag-off' your ex in front of them. Always remember that she is their Mother too and don't force them to confront their loyalties. This is a common argument, and one I agree with, but it can be argued that in the long term children also need to know why you split and it doesn't harm them to know that you don't get on. The wrongful thing to do is to put them in a position of having to take sides, this is where damage is done.
I really hope this is a cry for help from her and you get to the root of it as you clearly want to stay there, so be careful about your next moves and you may yet come out the other side.
Good luck with this, my lawyer was superb, so if you want a good one DM me.
1: She is seeing or talking to someone else. If you can manage to have an amicable conversation about this do it. If not, do some simple investigating without alerting anyone to what you're doing. My divorce was my fault over the long term, but I couldn't get my ex to admit there was 'someone else' at a certain point until I found out his name and asked her who he was. She was shocked I knew but it didn't take much working out. I looked through her Facebook, found 'recently added' friends, eliminated those not relevant and focused on one or two. Then I got hold of her mobile phone statement and put a repeated number into google and cross-referenced it with the people on Facebook.
If you find out [that there is someone] don't aggressively challenge her, have an amicable conversation and see if you can get past it. If not at least you tried. There is always the possibility that this is a 'cry for help'. Very often women in particular can feel undervalued in a relationship and even the slightest attention from another - not necessarily sexual - can mean that they turn on their spouse. My suspicions were raised when she moaned at me for never taking her to lunch when I worked from home occasionally, which seemed odd and out of character. The other person was a confidante, male and made no pretence about his desire for her; nothing sexual had happened to that point but it was 'happening' in an emotional sense. If I had wanted to this was the point I could have saved the relationship; I didn't want to. I still feel bad about it now, but at some point the truth has to be confronted. She was right to have explored this other friendship.
2. Put the children first at all times. I don't mean collectively, I mean from your perspective. It is tempting to be selfish about your pain and your hurt but if you focus on placing the children first you will preserve your integrity and reap the long-term benefit of this approach.
3. Accept that you will will pay more. The house will be sold but there is a legal presumption that she will be the primary carer and thus you will have to level up the income gap to support the children. This is acceptable.
4. Maintain a positive outlook and do not argue in front of the children or 'slag-off' your ex in front of them. Always remember that she is their Mother too and don't force them to confront their loyalties. This is a common argument, and one I agree with, but it can be argued that in the long term children also need to know why you split and it doesn't harm them to know that you don't get on. The wrongful thing to do is to put them in a position of having to take sides, this is where damage is done.
I really hope this is a cry for help from her and you get to the root of it as you clearly want to stay there, so be careful about your next moves and you may yet come out the other side.
Good luck with this, my lawyer was superb, so if you want a good one DM me.
pearl
Well-known member
that is so true ... when women get together over a few bottles of wine they don't hold back
Men are far more complex imho ... they can say one thing and mean something completely different
Psychobilly freakout
HellBilly
That is honestly one of the most frank and poignant posts I have read on NSC, so much heartfelt wisdom and good advise.
robinsonsgrin
Well-known member
you are never alone.... always someone online to talk with...get out in nature and clear your head before any major decision-making.....in fact, keep getting outside to just BE..... it will work wonders for your mental well-being
If it comes to divorce do NOT NOT NOT NOT fall out with her over how it works as you will both end up giving all your money to solicitors. Unpalatable as it may become, keep it civil. When i got divorced it only cost a few hundred quid, which was a small mercy but a mercy all the same
Ha! There's two sides to every story but I'd have to agree with you on this!
robinsonsgrin
Well-known member
as an aside.. dont know how old the kids are..but if they are mid teens onwards... talk to them... they dont need to know ins and outs, but silence is not golden. trust me.. ive been that teenager and it did a whole lot of damage which took years to rectify.
Yep, it does sound like our situations are oddly similar. My wife hasn't had health issues but she has had family members with serious mental health issues, one of which we lived with in the first few years of our relationship. And as I'm sure anyone who has dealt with mental health issues, it is a scary and harrowing experience. I could have walked away then but I didn't I stayed and supported her to be her rock and help care for her family members. We've been through so much together so it baffles me how quickly she can come to this decision and how she is so unwilling to talk and work through this.
I too thought we were happy and had a good marriage, friends told me how envious they were of our family. She seems to think that this is best for the kids, that they won't hear us argue any more, but we didn't even argue that much, no more than the average marriage I'd say. I don't think she has fully thought out how this is going to affect the kids. I came from a broken home and wished for so long that my parents hadn't split up (bad step parents didn't help this situation). We'll both going to be skint, she's already started cancelling music and other lessons.
Right now she's being very co-operative when it comes to me seeing the kids and finances but I know she's got friends and family whispering in her ear and I'm worried that it won't continue like this. I would like to settle this between us and not get the courts involved. I'm willing to be quite generous financially as I'm full time and she's part time, but I also need to start thinking about my own living situation. I'd give her more if I could. I'm worried that people will give her ideas and this could turn nasty so I'm considering going to see a solicitor.
One thing that has been helping me is when I've felt really down I've gone for a long walk or done some weights. My confidence and self-esteem has really taken a hit with all this happening but exercising has helped to make me feel better and I'm starting to see a change in my physique which could a) help attract her to me again or dare I say it b) help with dating in the future (How do you even date again after 12 years?)
This thread is definitely helping me, seems like there's some sound advice on these pages.
Emily's Mum
New member
Not all women are like that. Because I worked full time I didn't go after a penny of his income. I was entitled to half the equity in the house but had most of that deducted to cover childcare costs until they were 18. I didn't contest it as I thought it was fair
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Captain Sensible
Well-known member
- Thread starter
- #52
Are we married to the same woman?! Saying things like 'it will be better for the kids' even though it might bankrupt us is strikingly similar. I will definitely get out and about. My cousin has invited me to go to Cornwall over the weekend to get away. I'll take your advice. I also started exercising more.
I think the best route is mediation followed by a legal settlement agreement. But I'm sure there will be twists and turns for the better or worse.
If I refer to an earlier post am I right in saying he had the children? You may not have gone after his money but why would you even be entitled to any of his income?
My first wife left me, I found out she was having an affair (one of many I later concluded) I had brought up our daughter (5 at the time) whilst working fulltime. She drained the joint bank account of over £15000, come up with a cock and ball story with the bank and got me removed from the account. She then set up home with this guy who was a wealthy business man. She worked in his business earning shite loads but only ever paid me £10 a month for maintenance having lied about her earnings to csa.
20 years on my daughter has sussed her as well. She parades herself around the 1901 club and jointly owns one of our major pitch side sponsors, when she sees me, she looks at me as if I was a piece of shite. I however look at her fat ugly face (time hasn't been kind, a radio face some would say) and think thank God for that I'm well rid of the self centred morally deficient B*tch.
Emily's Mum
New member
I don't know, I didn't use a solicitor to find out what I was entitled to. Being entitled to something and doing what is fair can be two completely different things. All I was trying to say was that not all women are the same
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Bob'n'weave
Well-known member
Unrequited love can be emotionally crippling, especially when you are trying to keep it together under the same roof. I eventually moved into a shared house which was financially manageable and the kids came to bunk up with me in my room over the weekends. I looked online to see what the CSA would take off me, if she applied, and gave her that each month to avoid legal frameworks. Custody should not be an issue if you can work it out fairly. A good mediator should be able to help with explaining the realities of this in regards to what a court is likely to decide, avoiding legal sharks and court rulings which make it difficult to keep an open mind about getting back together.
Lying in the spare room tearing yourself apart about what you could have done, or what you might be able to do to 'fix it' is just going to make things worse. The stronger you are, the better it will be for you and the kids. She has made her mind up about the change in HER life, there is nothing you can do about that. If her mindset is going to change it will be down to her, not you. The more you can do to keep yourself strong the better.
After 3 years of pining for my family back I have finally got over the pain. Even though I still love her, I have found my own strength again and have accepted the situation for what it is, that takes time CS, but don't worry you will get through this.
bravohotelalpha
Well-known member
pearl
Well-known member
that is truly awful, I agree you are well rid of her! Well done bringing up your daughter, not easy I know, my nephew is doing the same
pearl
Well-known member
I didn't realise the CSA still existed, good advice, stay well clear of the CSA and work finances out without them.
Have PM'd CS but suffice to say on here, a lot of illogical antagonism and what feels like intentional misunderstanding can actually be sorted out by anti depressants in many cases (not just mine).
Sometimes the root cause is actually all internal. Not your fault, not an affair.....
Sometimes the root cause is actually all internal. Not your fault, not an affair.....
Bob'n'weave
Well-known member
Found a link to the .Gov page about the CSA. There is some good info about how they operate and how to sort things out without involving them.
https://www.gov.uk/child-maintenance/overview
Here is the page I used to calculate what she was entitled to, pre-empting any legal/CSA involvement.
https://www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance