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Student Graduation Ball speech - joke needed



Moshe Gariani

Well-known member
Mar 10, 2005
12,068
I have the unenviable task of making an after dinner speech tonight.

Some preparations have been made regarding comedic "Awards", an "Alternative Graduation Check" of satirical progression criteria and a sideways look back at some of their UCAS application personal statements ("good oral skills", "captain of the school speed stacking team" etc).

I am not a gifted joke teller but if I had one SUREFIRE WINNER OF A JOKE that not even I could mess up then I would like to include it...

Can NSC deliver...? (or only chicken and beef...)
 


Wardy's twin

Well-known member
Oct 21, 2014
8,402
the biggest joke (not best) is that students are walking away with£40k of debt and poor job prospects....stop the nonsense
 


Moshe Gariani

Well-known member
Mar 10, 2005
12,068
the biggest joke (not best) is that students are walking away with£40k of debt and poor job prospects....stop the nonsense
Yeah, thanks, that might dampen the mood a bit....

For what its worth, and if you want to hijack the thread, the vast majority of our graduates will not regret for one second taking up their opportunity to go to university. It isn't all about walking straight into a great job (although some of them do).
 


Titanic

Super Moderator
Helpful Moderator
Jul 5, 2003
39,025
West Sussex
I think [MENTION=31]El Presidente[/MENTION] might be your man here Moshe... depending on how attached to your current post you are?
 


Moshe Gariani

Well-known member
Mar 10, 2005
12,068
I think [MENTION=31]El Presidente[/MENTION] might be your man here Moshe...
Let's hope so. At the moment I'm going to have to run with "Farmer Gheddon" ....
 






dazzer6666

Well-known member
NSC Patreon
Mar 27, 2013
52,011
Burgess Hill
the biggest joke (not best) is that students are walking away with£40k of debt and poor job prospects....stop the nonsense

'You have committed the grave tactical blunder of acquiring enough university credits to graduate. So now you’re leaving college and embarking on the greatest adventure - and the biggest challenge - of your young lives: moving back in with your parents'
 


Titanic

Super Moderator
Helpful Moderator
Jul 5, 2003
39,025
West Sussex
'You have committed the grave tactical blunder of acquiring enough university credits to graduate. So now you’re leaving college and embarking on the greatest adventure - and the biggest challenge - of your young lives: moving back in with your parents'

Like many students... I rather suspect you have resorted to Google when seeking words of wisdom!
 




Taybha

Whalewhine
Oct 8, 2008
27,135
Uwantsumorwat
Two Monkeys 1 clever 1 not so clever , sat in the bath , the not so clever monkey at the tap end says OO OO OO OO AH AH AH AH AH OO OO AH AH AH OO OO OO AH AH , the clever Monkey at the other end says FFS Kev if its that hot put some more cold water in the bloody bath .

(please note this is not that funny unless you actually make the OO OO AH AH noises like a monkey would
 








Nathan

Well-known member
Jan 8, 2010
3,749
Bernard Righton joke;

How many refugees* can you fit in a Mini? Four adults and one small child, providing you have the correct safety seat fitted.

*his original joke said Pakistanis.
 


FatSuperman

Well-known member
Feb 25, 2016
2,829
Personally, once I leave here I'll be going back home to my parents place for a while. On the one hand I'm looking forward to seeing them again, but on the other I really don't want to face the locals from the village.

Over the summer holiday last year, I spent my days fixing all of the fences in the village. Did they call me fence-fixer Moshe? No. I also spent a lot of time weeding gardens for the neighbours. Did they call me gardener Moshe? No! I ****ed ONE goat...
 








Miximate

Well-known member
Aug 30, 2012
1,159
Mid Sussex
I once started a speech (where I had been rather nervous) by saying "This isn't the first warm seat I've risen from today"
 








Easy 10

Brain dead MUG SHEEP
Jul 5, 2003
61,674
Location Location
My girlfriend got sick of my obsession with cop shows, and said we should split up.

"Good idea" I said. "We can cover more ground that way".
 


Shropshire Seagull

Well-known member
Nov 5, 2004
8,477
Telford
Not so much a joke but I good line.

Your journey has only just begun. Your graduation is undoubtedly a cause for celebration of success but remember this is just the beginning, not he end. You have just completed the first semester at the University of Life.

Partial credit to a Churchill speech about the end of the beginning, not the beginning of the end. Useful for wedding / best man stuff too.
 



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