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Bell Cheeses at work



FatSuperman

Well-known member
Feb 25, 2016
2,830
At a large grocery company I worked at, there was a gentleman in IT that was very odd. He was a total dweeb, but would always talk - indirectly - about his time in the Security Service. He'd make comments about things he'd seen and done, but always say stuff like "I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you" and finish the sentence with a stupid little laugh. It's actually winding me up thinking about it.

There is NO WAY whatsoever that he has ever worked for MI5, or any other branch. He's definitely never handled or fired a gun, despite suggestions that he has regularly had to shoot people. No conversation could be had that didn't get twisted back to spy stuff and taking down baddies. To be clear, this guy makes 'Gareth' from The Office look like the hardest person on the planet. There is a slight chance he worked in Northern Ireland during The Troubles, but the only thing he would have been doing is changing printer cartridges or something.

Anyway... some time ago his CV passed across my desk, it is predictably dry and full of nonsense... "I am a great believer in using every means to leverage benefits and cost savings and in particular to drive repeatable processes, often by thinking beyond the box boundary". However, the hobbies section is wonderful, here is a snippet:
Colin1.png
 




Badger

NOT the Honey Badger
NSC Patron
May 8, 2007
12,776
Toronto
At a large grocery company I worked at, there was a gentleman in IT that was very odd. He was a total dweeb, but would always talk - indirectly - about his time in the Security Service. He'd make comments about things he'd seen and done, but always say stuff like "I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you" and finish the sentence with a stupid little laugh. It's actually winding me up thinking about it.

There is NO WAY whatsoever that he has ever worked for MI5, or any other branch. He's definitely never handled or fired a gun, despite suggestions that he has regularly had to shoot people. No conversation could be had that didn't get twisted back to spy stuff and taking down baddies. To be clear, this guy makes 'Gareth' from The Office look like the hardest person on the planet. There is a slight chance he worked in Northern Ireland during The Troubles, but the only thing he would have been doing is changing printer cartridges or something.

Anyway... some time ago his CV passed across my desk, it is predictably dry and full of nonsense... "I am a great believer in using every means to leverage benefits and cost savings and in particular to drive repeatable processes, often by thinking beyond the box boundary". However, the hobbies section is wonderful, here is a snippet:
View attachment 103828

I'd steer well clear if he's packing a Canon.
 




FatSuperman

Well-known member
Feb 25, 2016
2,830
I'd steer well clear if he's packing a Canon.

Sound advice there Badge. UNTIL YOU REALISE HE CAN DRIVE. Long distances. Where can I run from that hobby? Hmmm?
CJ2.png
His record to Edinburgh is very impressive. I'm not sure where he started from, possibly Glasgow if he stopped for fuel and chatted about his time in the secret service. That would have easily taken 10 hours.
 


Seagull27

Well-known member
Feb 7, 2011
3,308
Bristol
Sound advice there Badge. UNTIL YOU REALISE HE CAN DRIVE. Long distances. Where can I run from that hobby? Hmmm?
View attachment 103850
His record to Edinburgh is very impressive. I'm not sure where he started from, possibly Glasgow if he stopped for fuel and chatted about his time in the secret service. That would have easily taken 10 hours.
Did he genuinely underline 200 miles?! How on earth did his CV get through screening?

Sent from my SM-J530F using Tapatalk
 








ozzygull

Well-known member
Oct 6, 2003
3,832
Reading
Sound advice there Badge. UNTIL YOU REALISE HE CAN DRIVE. Long distances. Where can I run from that hobby? Hmmm?
View attachment 103850
His record to Edinburgh is very impressive. I'm not sure where he started from, possibly Glasgow if he stopped for fuel and chatted about his time in the secret service. That would have easily taken 10 hours.

I'm Impressed he has a Girlfriend :mad:
 




A1X

Well-known member
NSC Patron
Sep 1, 2017
17,743
Deepest, darkest Sussex
The worrying thing is the girlfriend thinks she dumped him three years ago and has no idea he's doing it...
 


FatSuperman

Well-known member
Feb 25, 2016
2,830
I very much doubt he has a girlfriend.

On 'dodgy jeans and chinos day', I once wore a tshirt with a picture of the Queen on it. He quietly took me to one side and told me I needed to be very careful with that sort of thing, because there are 'serious people' that watch out for this sort of thing, and it can get you in a lot of bother. I'm not entirely sure what he meant, but I was terrified for the rest of the day. :shootself
 


jonnyrovers

mostly tinpot
Aug 13, 2013
1,181
Shoreham-by-Sea
Gunslinger2.PNG

Water off a duck's back. Even had the cheek to change the genre!

I have a nasty feeling this little thing we have might stick.....:shootself
 




Paul Reids Sock

Well-known member
Nov 3, 2004
4,458
Paul Reids boot
Sound advice there Badge. UNTIL YOU REALISE HE CAN DRIVE. Long distances. Where can I run from that hobby? Hmmm?
View attachment 103850
His record to Edinburgh is very impressive. I'm not sure where he started from, possibly Glasgow if he stopped for fuel and chatted about his time in the secret service. That would have easily taken 10 hours.

I'm amazed he didn't have something along the lines of 'Go Karting (until they told me 'no professionals')'
 


Badger

NOT the Honey Badger
NSC Patron
May 8, 2007
12,776
Toronto
Sound advice there Badge. UNTIL YOU REALISE HE CAN DRIVE. Long distances. Where can I run from that hobby? Hmmm?
View attachment 103850
His record to Edinburgh is very impressive. I'm not sure where he started from, possibly Glasgow if he stopped for fuel and chatted about his time in the secret service. That would have easily taken 10 hours.

This is absolutely magnificent. We need regular updates about this guy.

All I could think of when I read the bit about driving to Scotland...

S02E06-lUk0Pvwc-subtitled.jpg
 






Mellotron

I've asked for soup
Jul 2, 2008
31,835
Brighton
Sound advice there Badge. UNTIL YOU REALISE HE CAN DRIVE. Long distances. Where can I run from that hobby? Hmmm?
View attachment 103850
His record to Edinburgh is very impressive. I'm not sure where he started from, possibly Glasgow if he stopped for fuel and chatted about his time in the secret service. That would have easily taken 10 hours.

From what you've told us, I would say there is a 3% chance that the girlfriend referred to is a real person.
 


FatSuperman

Well-known member
Feb 25, 2016
2,830
This is absolutely magnificent. We need regular updates about this guy.

All I could think of when I read the bit about driving to Scotland...

S02E06-lUk0Pvwc-subtitled.jpg

Hahah love that.

Fortunately I no longer work with Colin, however I can regale you with another fact. He is an amateur ghost hunter and goes all over the UK, with a tape recorder, and records empty rooms.

This is from his LinkedIn page
CJ3.png

He's fairly harmless to be fair, but one of those blokes that you can only be near for about an hour. Any longer and you'd kill yourself.
 




dazzer6666

Well-known member
NSC Patron
Mar 27, 2013
52,369
Burgess Hill
Sound advice there Badge. UNTIL YOU REALISE HE CAN DRIVE. Long distances. Where can I run from that hobby? Hmmm?
View attachment 103850
His record to Edinburgh is very impressive. I'm not sure where he started from, possibly Glasgow if he stopped for fuel and chatted about his time in the secret service. That would have easily taken 10 hours.

This is FANTASTIC [emoji122][emoji122][emoji122][emoji122]
 




Barham's tash

Well-known member
Jun 8, 2013
3,613
Rayners Lane
From what you've told us, I would say there is a 3% chance that the girlfriend referred to is a real person.

Or that she’s a lady of the night and he travels extensive distances to ‘visit’ her in the vain hope that no one in that locale recognises him to report back to loved ones etc.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 


hans kraay fan club

The voice of reason.
Helpful Moderator
Mar 16, 2005
61,276
Chandlers Ford
View attachment 103855

Water off a duck's back. Even had the cheek to change the genre!

I have a nasty feeling this little thing we have might stick.....:shootself

Yep. You're screwed

I've always been VERY definite about not engaging at any level with office dickheads. There is no going back now. this bullshit can only escalate, now he thinks you are kindred spirits.

You will have to leave, or kill him.
 


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