Brent was right...

sten · Apr 22, 2012

Once at work we were having plumbing problems in the gents(not flushing away rising overflowing water)anyway for the time being we were told to use the ladies until the fault was sorted.Not 1 to usually pinch a loaf at work a felt the desperate need to deposit so off I trundle to the fore mentioned bogs just before settling down I noticed the bowl packed with paper not giving much thought to it I settled down on the seat after giving it the flush away, wellunbeknown to me horror of horrors as I sat there waiting to drop the first Douglas Hurd the water was rising and sometGhing nudged my lower left cheek as I bolted upright I realised to my horror that I had been striped by the brown crayon the sick feeling in stomach and the sheer horror made me open the trap door and shuffle to the wash basin to wash my violated cheek , trousers and boxers round my ankles my back to the sink with arse in it ,you guess the f***ing door opens in walks 1 of my male workmates thank god who pissed himself laughing when I told him what happened,had to tell the boss the ladies was out of order as well much to his dismay as that meant we could go home early so they could sort the problem. So always check bowl 1st before you squat as there could be something nasty lurking under that paper .

melias shoes · Apr 22, 2012

tedebear said:
Why is it when men drop a nasal burner there is much high fiving and guffaw's but when women do it we become dirty?

My son can burn the hairs of the inside of your nasal passages but that is met with pride by my husband, whereas if I dare to even squeak they all roll about in deathly throws and de-camp to the workshop til it subsides...

That's easy women hold it in for longer,thus allowing the stench to gather momentum and on expulsion is on par with nerve gas crossed with rotten eggs.

sten · Apr 23, 2012

Sorry had to bounce this thread, anymore tales from the brownside

cardboard · Jun 21, 2012

This thread deserves a place on the all time podium

Barrel of Fun · Jun 22, 2012

I just remembered someone vomiting in the trap next door to me in a public loo in Sydney. They didn't make to bowl in time and the chunderous mix splattered under the gap and covered my flip flopped feet. I would have added to the sick myself, if my stomach was not empty at the point.

Ex-Staffs Gull · Jun 22, 2012

I spent a fair amount of time in China, working. On my first trip, I arrived fresh (well maybe not fresh) off the flight from Heathrow,and was shown to, what I was assured, was the best desk in the office of about 40 people. It was a corner view over a little park, big windows etc.. Anyway, after about half an hour, I started wondering about the door 2 feet from my chair, was it the server room, was it the kitchen, maybe a broom cupboard, no, it was trap number 1 of 1. Now, when I say trap number one, imagine a room, 3 foot by 5 foot, with a toilet and a small sink, a wooden door (of similar standard and thickness to those hollow items that used to be available from the cheapest DIY stores in the 80's). It also had a gap of about 1 inch, top and bottom. In the UK this would have been illegal, not in China.

At the time of seeing what it was, I was unaware that this was the only toilet the 40 workers could use within a 2 mile radius, as there were no communal toilets anywhere around. Eventually about 10 minutes after I had worked out what this room was for, a rather large and unkempt Chinese colleague walked over to my desk, I looked up and said 'ni hao' and he muttered something and disappeared into said turtle sanctuary. 1 minute later, throat clearing and farting ensued. after maybe 2 minutes, a full basket full of pigeons was released into the porcelain poo pouch along with serious moaning and grunting. I could actually hear the paper spreading the remains of his festering mess around his arse crack. Flush and cough (no hand washing) and he was out, giving me a really broad smile as he left (NOT closing the fecking door). I looked around frantically and to my horror there was literally no free desk. I spent a further 9 and a half days sat next to that toilet, breathing in a heady mixture of spicy food revenge and just plain wrong smells. The noises some of the men and women made in that toilet were frankly 'evil', the sort of stuff that I would feel uncomfortable making in the middle of the outback after 4 days without a release in case a stray kangaroo might look up and judge me obscene.

May I also warn any people who find themselves in a similar spot of strife, if they attend a staff meal and the local delicacy of snake stew is served, do not consume this and do not attend work the next day if others have. I would have gladly perforated my own ear drums and burnt my smell glands with a white hot poker if I had had one.

I actually think it was the pride in which they took in producing noise and smells that disturbed me the most. When the door was rattling due to excessive wind in the interior, I got the largest smiles on exit. Also some of the worst smells and sounds came from particularly petite ladies (I use that term liberally).

I still have nightmares about those 10 days, and could not talk about it for a week when I got back to the UK. I am actually retching a bit typing this, and this all happened in 2007.

I atended this office another dozen times of the course of the next few years and never sat anywhere near the toilet. As for using it, lets just say I drank enough to survive and would rather have collected a gusset full of pebbles than have sat in there.

The Large One · Jun 22, 2012

Ex-Staffs Gull said:
I spent a fair amount of time in China, working. On my first trip, I arrived fresh (well maybe not fresh) off the flight from Heathrow,and was shown to, what I was assured, was the best desk in the office of about 40 people. It was a corner view over a little park, big windows etc.. Anyway, after about half an hour, I started wondering about the door 2 feet from my chair, was it the server room, was it the kitchen, maybe a broom cupboard, no, it was trap number 1 of 1. Now, when I say trap number one, imagine a room, 3 foot by 5 foot, with a toilet and a small sink, a wooden door (of similar standard and thickness to those hollow items that used to be available from the cheapest DIY stores in the 80's). It also had a gap of about 1 inch, top and bottom. In the UK this would have been illegal, not in China.

At the time of seeing what it was, I was unaware that this was the only toilet the 40 workers could use within a 2 mile radius, as there were no communal toilets anywhere around. Eventually about 10 minutes after I had worked out what this room was for, a rather large and unkempt Chinese colleague walked over to my desk, I looked up and said 'ni hao' and he muttered something and disappeared into said turtle sanctuary. 1 minute later, throat clearing and farting ensued. after maybe 2 minutes, a full basket full of pigeons was released into the porcelain poo pouch along with serious moaning and grunting. I could actually hear the paper spreading the remains of his festering mess around his arse crack. Flush and cough (no hand washing) and he was out, giving me a really broad smile as he left (NOT closing the fecking door). I looked around frantically and to my horror there was literally no free desk. I spent a further 9 and a half days sat next to that toilet, breathing in a heady mixture of spicy food revenge and just plain wrong smells. The noises some of the men and women made in that toilet were frankly 'evil', the sort of stuff that I would feel uncomfortable making in the middle of the outback after 4 days without a release in case a stray kangaroo might look up and judge me obscene.

May I also warn any people who find themselves in a similar spot of strife, if they attend a staff meal and the local delicacy of snake stew is served, do not consume this and do not attend work the next day if others have. I would have gladly perforated my own ear drums and burnt my smell glands with a white hot poker if I had had one.

I actually think it was the pride in which they took in producing noise and smells that disturbed me the most. When the door was rattling due to excessive wind in the interior, I got the largest smiles on exit. Also some of the worst smells and sounds came from particularly petite ladies (I use that term liberally).

I still have nightmares about those 10 days, and could not talk about it for a week when I got back to the UK. I am actually retching a bit typing this, and this all happened in 2007.

I atended this office another dozen times of the course of the next few years and never sat anywhere near the toilet. As for using it, lets just say I drank enough to survive and would rather have collected a gusset full of pebbles than have sat in there.

It's good to know other cultures and nationalities are happy in their potty polluting pursuits.

afters · Jun 22, 2012

i once had the dubious pleasure of a nightclub in leeds. an appalling place, the floor was strewn with broken glass and danger lurked every time we spoke in our southern accents. most unenjoyable, apart from:

two very chubby girls standing at the bar were commenting on the stink. both of them, very unladylike, checked their armpits to see that it wasn't them. at this point i saw that they were standing in a rather large pool of vomit. they hadn't seemed to notice, or maybe hadn't cared.

User removed 4 · Jun 22, 2012

Ex-Staffs Gull said:
I spent a fair amount of time in China, working. On my first trip, I arrived fresh (well maybe not fresh) off the flight from Heathrow,and was shown to, what I was assured, was the best desk in the office of about 40 people. It was a corner view over a little park, big windows etc.. Anyway, after about half an hour, I started wondering about the door 2 feet from my chair, was it the server room, was it the kitchen, maybe a broom cupboard, no, it was trap number 1 of 1. Now, when I say trap number one, imagine a room, 3 foot by 5 foot, with a toilet and a small sink, a wooden door (of similar standard and thickness to those hollow items that used to be available from the cheapest DIY stores in the 80's). It also had a gap of about 1 inch, top and bottom. In the UK this would have been illegal, not in China.

At the time of seeing what it was, I was unaware that this was the only toilet the 40 workers could use within a 2 mile radius, as there were no communal toilets anywhere around. Eventually about 10 minutes after I had worked out what this room was for, a rather large and unkempt Chinese colleague walked over to my desk, I looked up and said 'ni hao' and he muttered something and disappeared into said turtle sanctuary. 1 minute later, throat clearing and farting ensued. after maybe 2 minutes, a full basket full of pigeons was released into the porcelain poo pouch along with serious moaning and grunting. I could actually hear the paper spreading the remains of his festering mess around his arse crack. Flush and cough (no hand washing) and he was out, giving me a really broad smile as he left (NOT closing the fecking door). I looked around frantically and to my horror there was literally no free desk. I spent a further 9 and a half days sat next to that toilet, breathing in a heady mixture of spicy food revenge and just plain wrong smells. The noises some of the men and women made in that toilet were frankly 'evil', the sort of stuff that I would feel uncomfortable making in the middle of the outback after 4 days without a release in case a stray kangaroo might look up and judge me obscene.

May I also warn any people who find themselves in a similar spot of strife, if they attend a staff meal and the local delicacy of snake stew is served, do not consume this and do not attend work the next day if others have. I would have gladly perforated my own ear drums and burnt my smell glands with a white hot poker if I had had one.

I actually think it was the pride in which they took in producing noise and smells that disturbed me the most. When the door was rattling due to excessive wind in the interior, I got the largest smiles on exit. Also some of the worst smells and sounds came from particularly petite ladies (I use that term liberally).

I still have nightmares about those 10 days, and could not talk about it for a week when I got back to the UK. I am actually retching a bit typing this, and this all happened in 2007.

I atended this office another dozen times of the course of the next few years and never sat anywhere near the toilet. As for using it, lets just say I drank enough to survive and would rather have collected a gusset full of pebbles than have sat in there.

Easy 10 · Aug 2, 2012

This morning I travelled to the ground floor with the intention of defecating in the peaceful and spacious surroundings of the handicapped toilet, but on pushing against the door, I disappointingly discovered it to be locked.

I considered returning to my desk and trying again a bit later, but my sphincter had other ideas and became absolutely insistant on an imminent evacuation. So reluctantly, with the slumped shoulders of a condemned man, I trudged to the mens toilets and took up my position in Trap 1 of 2 in preperation to release the Kraken.

No sooner had I sat down, there was the sound of the (outer) toilet door quite literally CRASHING wide open, so much so that it actually banged quite forcefully against the wall behind. The mystery toileteer hurredly bundled his way into Trap 2, fiddled desperately with his belt and trousers, and then launched himself heavily onto the throne just in time to violently unleash a fearsome clod of cack which sounded substantial enough to comfortably fill the boot of a small family hatchback. The noise of this ejection was reminiscent of a startled flock of pigeons suddenly taking flight, and seemed to go on for a good 40 seconds.

I tried desperately to find a happy place while this was going on but my senses were being physically assaulted by the horrifying din next door, and this was soon followed by a warm cloying stench so shocking I could feel myself blacking out. I hugged my knees and gently rocked, burying my face in my hands whilst trying to suppress the soft involuntary moans as I was forced to breathe this rancid poisoned air around me.

Thankfully the obnoxious odour seemed to subside almost as quickly as it had arrived. I heard a few cursory wipes, a flush, and a buckle and fly being done up before the demon dolloper exited the trap AND the toilet without even washing his hands.

Then I shit myself.

sydney · Aug 2, 2012

there are a couple of young lezzers in the house next-door to one of our sites........whatever the f*** it is they do to eachother in the morning can't be right , sounds like one of them is trying to force something extremely large into the other one,........with all the windows open as well and the dog whining away to boot...photo's are a possibility , brazen pair of miiiinxes.

British Grenadier · Aug 2, 2012

Ex-Staffs Gull said:
I spent a fair amount of time in China, working. On my first trip, I arrived fresh (well maybe not fresh) off the flight from Heathrow,and was shown to, what I was assured, was the best desk in the office of about 40 people. It was a corner view over a little park, big windows etc.. Anyway, after about half an hour, I started wondering about the door 2 feet from my chair, was it the server room, was it the kitchen, maybe a broom cupboard, no, it was trap number 1 of 1. Now, when I say trap number one, imagine a room, 3 foot by 5 foot, with a toilet and a small sink, a wooden door (of similar standard and thickness to those hollow items that used to be available from the cheapest DIY stores in the 80's). It also had a gap of about 1 inch, top and bottom. In the UK this would have been illegal, not in China.

At the time of seeing what it was, I was unaware that this was the only toilet the 40 workers could use within a 2 mile radius, as there were no communal toilets anywhere around. Eventually about 10 minutes after I had worked out what this room was for, a rather large and unkempt Chinese colleague walked over to my desk, I looked up and said 'ni hao' and he muttered something and disappeared into said turtle sanctuary. 1 minute later, throat clearing and farting ensued. after maybe 2 minutes, a full basket full of pigeons was released into the porcelain poo pouch along with serious moaning and grunting. I could actually hear the paper spreading the remains of his festering mess around his arse crack. Flush and cough (no hand washing) and he was out, giving me a really broad smile as he left (NOT closing the fecking door). I looked around frantically and to my horror there was literally no free desk. I spent a further 9 and a half days sat next to that toilet, breathing in a heady mixture of spicy food revenge and just plain wrong smells. The noises some of the men and women made in that toilet were frankly 'evil', the sort of stuff that I would feel uncomfortable making in the middle of the outback after 4 days without a release in case a stray kangaroo might look up and judge me obscene.

May I also warn any people who find themselves in a similar spot of strife, if they attend a staff meal and the local delicacy of snake stew is served, do not consume this and do not attend work the next day if others have. I would have gladly perforated my own ear drums and burnt my smell glands with a white hot poker if I had had one.

I actually think it was the pride in which they took in producing noise and smells that disturbed me the most. When the door was rattling due to excessive wind in the interior, I got the largest smiles on exit. Also some of the worst smells and sounds came from particularly petite ladies (I use that term liberally).

I still have nightmares about those 10 days, and could not talk about it for a week when I got back to the UK. I am actually retching a bit typing this, and this all happened in 2007.

I atended this office another dozen times of the course of the next few years and never sat anywhere near the toilet. As for using it, lets just say I drank enough to survive and would rather have collected a gusset full of pebbles than have sat in there.

I took me three attempts to try and read this post, specifically at the point highlighted in bold, because my tears were in danger of flooding my laptop.

This writing is total genius. Bravo sir.

The Stout Yeoman · Aug 3, 2012

sydney said:
there are a couple of young lezzers in the house next-door to one of our sites........whatever the f*** it is they do to eachother in the morning can't be right , sounds like one of them is trying to force something extremely large into the other one,........with all the windows open as well and the dog whining away to boot...photo's are a possibility , brazen pair of miiiinxes.

Go on invite me round for breakfast ... you know it makes sense ....

queens park pete · Aug 3, 2012

Olympic NSC Gold Easy 10!

Have you considered starting a Log Blog?

Easy 10 said:
This morning I travelled to the ground floor with the intention of defecating in the peaceful and spacious surroundings of the handicapped toilet, but on pushing against the door, I disappointingly discovered it to be locked.

I considered returning to my desk and trying again a bit later, but my sphincter had other ideas and became absolutely insistant on an imminent evacuation. So reluctantly, with the slumped shoulders of a condemned man, I trudged to the mens toilets and took up my position in Trap 1 of 2 in preperation to release the Kraken.

No sooner had I sat down, there was the sound of the (outer) toilet door quite literally CRASHING wide open, so much so that it actually banged quite forcefully against the wall behind. The mystery toileteer hurredly bundled his way into Trap 2, fiddled desperately with his belt and trousers, and then launched himself heavily onto the throne just in time to violently unleash a fearsome clod of cack which sounded substantial enough to comfortably fill the boot of a small family hatchback. The noise of this ejection was reminiscent of a startled flock of pigeons suddenly taking flight, and seemed to go on for a good 40 seconds.

I tried desperately to find a happy place while this was going on but my senses were being physically assaulted by the horrifying din next door, and this was soon followed by a warm cloying stench so shocking I could feel myself blacking out. I hugged my knees and gently rocked, burying my face in my hands whilst trying to suppress the soft involuntary moans as I was forced to breathe this rancid poisoned air around me.

Thankfully the obnoxious odour seemed to subside almost as quickly as it had arrived. I heard a few cursory wipes, a flush, and a buckle and fly being done up before the demon dolloper exited the trap AND the toilet without even washing his hands.

Then I shit myself.

queens park pete · Aug 3, 2012

Your mate didnt have anything to do with the Argus microwaved poo incident by any chance did he?

Poo found in Brighton council microwave From The Argus)

marshy68 said:
when i was student many moons ago - i was at the cash point at midnight getting out the proveribial £5iver.... my mate had slopped off I presumed to go for a piss. As i with drew my card and the money - he reappeared holidng a freshly curled out log and said I hate banks and placed his newly born turd on the key pad of the cashy... it was the days when they had a perspex screen that came down to protect the key board ( not sure they had envisaged the design to be turd protectors). As the screen went down it perfectly disected half his turd half encased in its perspex tomb the other half kind of hanging off the cashpoint.... how we laughed. It wasnt until the next morning i realised there might be a problem.... as i walked through the town to my lectures to be confronted by a fork lift truck removing said cashy... i did become a bit nervous.... A week later the bank rang me to see if i could help them with an incident at the cash point as mine was the last card used "before someone defecated on the ATM".... I of course denied all knowledge of the log incident - but using cashpoints has never been the same since.

sydney · Aug 3, 2012

The Stout Yeoman said:
Go on invite me round for breakfast ... you know it makes sense ....

get yerself to subiaco railway station .......i'll pick you up.... :smile:

The Stout Yeoman · Aug 3, 2012

sydney said:
get yerself to subiaco railway station .......i'll pick you up....

Inbound on the next Qantas ... see you soon

sydney · Aug 3, 2012

The Stout Yeoman said:
Inbound on the next Qantas ... see you soon

sheeeeeyut.

User removed 4 · Aug 16, 2012

There has just been a MAJOR shit related incident at work, i work on a big floor of about 700 blokes and a few women, a chinese bird has just joined our desk, she was caught SQUATTING on the toilet with her feet on the seat having a dump, but missing the toilet and shit going onto the floor and all over the seat , HR have just had call all the girls on the floor into a meeting room to administer a quick cultural education session on shittting etiquette :lolol:

Benjyman1990 · Aug 18, 2012

No matter how many times i come back to this thread, i always wet myself laughing. This is the place i come for a good chuckle when i've had a shit day! (excuse the pun) but seriously, pure genius. Bravo gentlemen, bravo.

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