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  1. #21
    Members bennibenj's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Easy 10 View Post
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    A sobering tale indeed.

    The toilets on our floor consist of Trap 1 and Trap 2, no urinal. I simply refuse to shit in there. I'll go in there for a jimmy, but I simply cannot BEAR defecating directly next to someone, or risking someone entering the trap next to me whilst I am embroiled mid-cack. The plop-plop noises are bad enough when they are someone elses, but I cannot begin to imagine the horror if they were my own, quite apart from the smell.

    Therefore, I use the handicapped toilet on the ground floor. Sure you risk a wasted journey if someone is in there (as well as a bit of an uncomfortable waddle back to the desk), but the rewards are well worth it. A VAST room you could park a medium sized Transit in. A metal bar screwed into the wall on the right for extra grip and traction if straining (mind the red emergency cord though). And a fold-down armrest on the left for the more relaxed, leisurely release.

    I bloody love that handicapped bog. The only slight downside is I don't like the toilet seat, it’s a bit smaller than the usual ones for some reason, and the plastic has gone a bit scuddy, so I always give it a good wipe before docking.
    This has to be my favourite post of 2012 so far, poetic genious. Brilliant

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    • #22
      Brain dead MUG SHEEP Easy 10's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by sams dad View Post
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      Between relaxing in the disabled bog, rushing out to the ice cream van, and posting on NSC, do you actually find time to do any work Easy?
      Its a fair question.

      I have days, really.
      "But you accept that there is an increased risk of vehicle/bat collision"
    • #23
      Members Simster's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by Common as Mook View Post
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      You are lucky no-one got in at floor 1. They would immediately have thought it was you.
      On a similar theme, I work in a 6 floor building. It is for this reason that when perusing the traps on my own floor when I am ready to deliver a brown baby of my own, I will ALWAYS avoid any trap with unreasonably large skidmarks and untold messiness in the bowl. I am NOT risking walking out of the trap after completing my dump to a chap waiting to use the very same trap, in case they thought it was me who made the unsightly mess. Instead, I will find a suitably unskidded pan on an alternative floor. The mezanine is my floor of choice as that is where HR are based, and thus an absence of gentlemen on the floor = far less used male toilets = higher chance of clean POT.
      Quote Originally Posted by Baldseagull View Post
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      Calderon is the type of guy that if your daughter married, you would worry that she was not good enough for him.
    • #24
      Primary data is fact Alex, Alex Dawson oo! oo!'s Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by Easy 10 View Post
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      Damn straight.
      Orange Calippo is the nectar of the GODS. I'd risk a full-on underkeck creamy cradle for a Calippo if the van was pulling away.
      Naarr - for a lime one maybe, not orange.
      57 years of watching the Albion
    • #25
      Members melias shoes's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by Easy 10 View Post
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      Arriving back from lunch, I pressed then button for the lift. It arrived on the ground floor, and before I got in, a woman on her mobile came BARRELLING out, not looking where she was going, and had to do a swerve to avoid colliding with me. I let out a "whoops", as if it was MY fault, but this went totally unacknowledged as she scuttled off, head down, phone jammed hard against the side of her face.

      I thought nothing more of it until I stepped into the lift, and the doors closed. Before I pressed 2, I was immediately assaulted by an odourous STENCH the likes of which I have not smelled since the infamous full-blown surprise rear axel Curry Mahal pebbledash BLOWOUT of 2003. It was so bad, I turned around and checked the floor to see if she'd curled out a Vince somewhere.

      What do you do in that situation ? I could have held my breath, but I'd only have been holding in the foul, fetid gasses of her soiled inner colon. I elected to slowly release the air from my lungs as the lift travelled up the two floors, until the thankful release of the 2nd floor arrived and I could once again breathe in the pure, sweet, air-conditioned oxygen of the hallway. I glanced back into my vertical tomb of STENCH before the doors closed and I could swear the mirror had warped, and the carpetting was coming up at the corners. DISGUSTING bint.

      I will add here that I would normally take the stairs, but I was a bit late back after I'd doubled-back to Londis to pick up a bottle of fresh orange juice with bits in.

      Women are dirty.
      I think I would have no wonder she couldn't look you in the eye.
    • #26

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      Farting in a lift is just wrong on so many levels.
    • #27

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      Quote Originally Posted by Easy 10 View Post
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      Arriving back from lunch, I pressed then button for the lift. It arrived on the ground floor, and before I got in, a woman on her mobile came BARRELLING out, not looking where she was going, and had to do a swerve to avoid colliding with me. I let out a "whoops", as if it was MY fault, but this went totally unacknowledged as she scuttled off, head down, phone jammed hard against the side of her face.

      I thought nothing more of it until I stepped into the lift, and the doors closed. Before I pressed 2, I was immediately assaulted by an odourous STENCH the likes of which I have not smelled since the infamous full-blown surprise rear axel Curry Mahal pebbledash BLOWOUT of 2003. It was so bad, I turned around and checked the floor to see if she'd curled out a Vince somewhere.

      What do you do in that situation ? I could have held my breath, but I'd only have been holding in the foul, fetid gasses of her soiled inner colon. I elected to slowly release the air from my lungs as the lift travelled up the two floors, until the thankful release of the 2nd floor arrived and I could once again breathe in the pure, sweet, air-conditioned oxygen of the hallway. I glanced back into my vertical tomb of STENCH before the doors closed and I could swear the mirror had warped, and the carpetting was coming up at the corners. DISGUSTING bint.

      I will add here that I would normally take the stairs, but I was a bit late back after I'd doubled-back to Londis to pick up a bottle of fresh orange juice with bits in.

      Women are dirty.
      What's to say she wasn't just as disgusted as you and had to storm out the lift asap as it was in fact, in an unbelievable twist to the story, the person before her in the lift that commited the crime and has, possibly unwittingly, framed her perfectly?

      Cracking thread by the way. Can't beat discussing Office toilet tactics - brilliant
    • #28
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      Quote Originally Posted by Dirk Gently View Post
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      Farting in a lift is just wrong on so many levels.
    • #29
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      Its been a long stressful day, but this is hilarious. This thread has made my day. Thank You.
    • #30
      Members grummitts gloves's Avatar
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      Easy, I gotta say you do crack me up. Great read

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