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  1. #1
    His name rhymes with HEN Easy 10's Avatar
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    Brent was right. Women are DIRTY


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    Arriving back from lunch, I pressed then button for the lift. It arrived on the ground floor, and before I got in, a woman on her mobile came BARRELLING out, not looking where she was going, and had to do a swerve to avoid colliding with me. I let out a "whoops", as if it was MY fault, but this went totally unacknowledged as she scuttled off, head down, phone jammed hard against the side of her face.

    I thought nothing more of it until I stepped into the lift, and the doors closed. Before I pressed 2, I was immediately assaulted by an odourous STENCH the likes of which I have not smelled since the infamous full-blown surprise rear axel Curry Mahal pebbledash BLOWOUT of 2003. It was so bad, I turned around and checked the floor to see if she'd curled out a Vince somewhere.

    What do you do in that situation ? I could have held my breath, but I'd only have been holding in the foul, fetid gasses of her soiled inner colon. I elected to slowly release the air from my lungs as the lift travelled up the two floors, until the thankful release of the 2nd floor arrived and I could once again breathe in the pure, sweet, air-conditioned oxygen of the hallway. I glanced back into my vertical tomb of STENCH before the doors closed and I could swear the mirror had warped, and the carpetting was coming up at the corners. DISGUSTING bint.

    I will add here that I would normally take the stairs, but I was a bit late back after I'd doubled-back to Londis to pick up a bottle of fresh orange juice with bits in.

    Women are dirty.
    "But you accept that there is an increased risk of vehicle/bat collision"

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    • #2
      Members Gritt23's Avatar
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      Nasty, very nasty.

      Had a tricky situation myself just yesterday when I nipped to the loo for a mid-afternoon dump, and as I scurried into trap 2, the stench coming from a recent occupant of trap 1 was enough to bring tears to the eyes. Still, I was in desperate need myself, so before you could say arse gravy, I was settled and growing a tail myself.

      Horror of all horrors, someone came into the gents just as I was splashing down. Nightmare, that smell wasn't mine, in no way was that mine, but that's not how things were looking. I was bordering on actually saying something through the door to that effect, but that would give away who I was, and probably still make me look guilty.

      Trap 1, was a quick wee and gone, so I'm now faced with walking back into the office with the former occupant of trap 1 watching for who is about to return from the loo. I had no option, I thought about about going to lunch without returning. No coat, no car keys, nothing, just wandering aimlessly around the streets for 10 mins thinking "what AM I doing?". Naah, so I braved it out, marched back inmto the office thinking "I dare anyone to say anything." No-one did, but someone reckons it was me, and I don't know who.
      "I looked straight across to Graham Turner and their whole bench was in tears."
    • #3
      Not Posh as Fook
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      You are lucky no-one got in at floor 1. They would immediately have thought it was you.
      Sport is war minus the shooting. G.Orwell
    • #4

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      women definitely do worse farts than men, mainly because they hold them in for longer, meaning that their BREW is fermenting for a longer period

      my girlfriend is a vegetarian as well, some of the absolute monstrosities she lets out on the sly are simply EVIL
    • #5
      His name rhymes with HEN Easy 10's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by Gritt23 View Post
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      Nasty, very nasty.

      Had a tricky situation myself just yesterday when I nipped to the loo for a mid-afternoon dump, and as I scurried into trap 2, the stench coming from a recent occupant of trap 1 was enough to bring tears to the eyes. Still, I was in desperate need myself, so before you could say arse gravy, I was settled and growing a tail myself.

      Horror of all horrors, someone came into the gents just as I was splashing down. Nightmare, that smell wasn't mine, in no way was that mine, but that's not how things were looking. I was bordering on actually saying something through the door to that effect, but that would give away who I was, and probably still make me look guilty.

      Trap 1, was a quick wee and gone, so I'm now faced with walking back into the office with the former occupant of trap 1 watching for who is about to return from the loo. I had no option, I thought about about going to lunch without returning. No coat, no car keys, nothing, just wandering aimlessly around the streets for 10 mins thinking "what AM I doing?". Naah, so I braved it out, marched back inmto the office thinking "I dare anyone to say anything." No-one did, but someone reckons it was me, and I don't know who.
      A sobering tale indeed.

      The toilets on our floor consist of Trap 1 and Trap 2, no urinal. I simply refuse to shit in there. I'll go in there for a jimmy, but I simply cannot BEAR defecating directly next to someone, or risking someone entering the trap next to me whilst I am embroiled mid-cack. The plop-plop noises are bad enough when they are someone elses, but I cannot begin to imagine the horror if they were my own, quite apart from the smell.

      Therefore, I use the handicapped toilet on the ground floor. Sure you risk a wasted journey if someone is in there (as well as a bit of an uncomfortable waddle back to the desk), but the rewards are well worth it. A VAST room you could park a medium sized Transit in. A metal bar screwed into the wall on the right for extra grip and traction if straining (mind the red emergency cord though). And a fold-down armrest on the left for the more relaxed, leisurely release.

      I bloody love that handicapped bog. The only slight downside is I don't like the toilet seat, it’s a bit smaller than the usual ones for some reason, and the plastic has gone a bit scuddy, so I always give it a good wipe before docking.
      "But you accept that there is an increased risk of vehicle/bat collision"
    • #6
      Abort, retry, fail Barrel of Fun's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by Common as Mook View Post
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      You are lucky no-one got in at floor 1. They would immediately have thought it was you.
      Ha. I thought that.

      I hate it when that happens. I am particularly susceptible to foul smells and sometimes find myself wretching just looking at a dog turd or what-have-you.

      Getting ready for a party, at the house of my (now) ex-girlfriend. I opted to empty my bladder before we departed. There were about seven of us staying with her and the (only other) gentleman beat me to the toilet and had obviously eaten something particularly potent that produced a smell that compromised my vision. There was no window in the bathroom (something I loathe) and there was no air freshener.

      I ended up retching some gunge into the sink and spent a few minutes sorting myself out to look as though I had not just vomited and managed to empty my bladder whilst sniffing a bar of soap.

      I made a sharp exit and found the other six people waiting by the front door by me, directly outside the toilet. The look on their faces when the stench followed me out was an absolute picture. Followed by a stampede towards the relative fresh air of central Brighton. The offender avoided eye contact and I was the one left to carry the can.

      They were all deaf and my sign language did not extend to explaining that it wasn't me who produced the smell of a rotting badger.
      You are the result of 4 billion years of evolutionary success. Act like it.
    • #7
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      Quote Originally Posted by turienzo's lovechild View Post
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      women definitely do worse farts than men, mainly because they hold them in for longer, meaning that their BREW is fermenting for a longer period

      my girlfriend is a vegetarian as well, some of the absolute monstrosities she lets out on the sly are simply EVIL
      I have a vege girlfriend, and can confirm that veges defo have the worst farts out there on the market
    • #8
      Members fruitnveg's Avatar
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      You don't half talk a load of

    • #9
      [Insert witty title here] shaolinpunk's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by Barrel of Fun View Post
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      Getting ready for a party, at the house of my (now) ex-girlfriend. I opted to empty my bladder before we departed. There were about seven of us staying with her and the (only other) gentleman beat me to the toilet and had obviously eaten something particularly potent that produced a smell that compromised my vision. There was no window in the bathroom (something I loathe) and there was no air freshener.

      I ended up retching some gunge into the sink and spent a few minutes sorting myself out to look as though I had not just vomited and managed to empty my bladder whilst sniffing a bar of soap.

      I made a sharp exit and found the other six people waiting by the front door by me, directly outside the toilet. The look on their faces when the stench followed me out was an absolute picture. Followed by a stampede towards the relative fresh air of central Brighton. The offender avoided eye contact and I was the one left to carry the can.
      In that scenario I'd have loudly expressed my shock and disgust at the smell before I shut the door, just to avoid any potential confusion. Probably not as straightforward if everyone is deaf though
    • #10
      Members Gritt23's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by 00snook View Post
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      I have a vege girlfriend, and can confirm that veges defo have the worst farts out there on the market
      Being a veggie myself, I can confirm that there is a lot of truth in that.
      "I looked straight across to Graham Turner and their whole bench was in tears."

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