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I was working late last night when I received this text from my wife: 'Thespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphone. Whenyougethomepleasegivemeanalternative.' As I eagerly rushed home, I couldn't help but wonder... What the hell does 'ternative' mean?

After shagging a fat chick whilst I was drunk the next morning I said to her, "Here, if you want to see me again, call this number." "Awww, men don't usually give me their numbers," she responded. I said, "It's not mine. It's Weight Watchers."