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Southgate, being ex scum, switches our hotel arrangements from a dull St Petersburg compound to a tour of Russian Jury's Inns. Lewis gets a mysterious hair strain and flies home. Messi beats us 8-0 by himself (I'd previously assumed Dunky playing 5 minutes before getting f***ed off with it all)...

Drawn with Argentina, Iceland and South Korea, England's start to the tournament is somewhat disappointing as Lionel Messi beats us 4-0 on his own. Harry Kane, having recovered from a metatarsal injury thanks to the healing power of Facebook statuses, is eaten by a giant Icelandic clap just...