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"I'll take you right into the Danger Zone!" screeched American GOON Kenny Loggins. So where did he end up taking me? Peter Pan's Adventure Playground along Marine Drive. We rode on the caterpillar "rollercoaster", went round on the teacups, played some arcade games and had an icecream. It...

Here's another LIE from that slapheaded dullard, Phil Collins. "You're the only one who ever knew me at all". WRONG. I've never met you in my f***ing life Collins, and if I did I wouldn't know the first thing about you except that you're a twat. Now do one.

Non qualified GP Dr Hook tells us that "when you're in love with a beautiful woman, you watch your friends". So I watched all my mates like a hawk, and my missus went off and f***ed some bloke i'd never heard of. Twat.

Mincing nancy-boy George Michael says "you've gotta get up to get down". If that's the case, how did I get into my cellar last night? Cock-knocker.

Tit flasher Janet Jackson AND brain addled crooner Luther Vandross both informed me that, and I quote, "the best things in life are free". I promptly went out and took a Bentley, several cases of Dom Perignon, a high class Russian prostitute and a large quantity of grade-A Colombian marching...

"I shot the Sheriff, but I didn't shoot the deputy" It's still first degree murder of a police officer Bob. You're still heading for the chair. Just because you left another police officer alive doesn't mean you should escape justice. The poor blokes probably traumatised.

Notorious Welsh twat Shakin' Stevens likes to croak out the following: (Ain't a-gonna need this house no longer) (Ain't a-gonna need this house no more) Ain't got time to fix the shingles Ain't a-got time to fix the floor Ain't got time to oil the hinges Nor to mend no windowpane Ain't...

"I want you so bad, I think you ought to know that I intend to hold you for the longest time." So sang fish-eyed warbler Billy Joel. How long did your marriage to Christie Brinkley last again JOEL? 9 years is hardly "the longest time" is it?

"To avoid complications She never kept the same address" Mercury, God rest your soul, you really did write some shite. How does constantly changing your address make things simple? You telling me that by f***ing around and moving every day you avoid complications. If I went out with a bird who...

"But the sun's been quite kind while I wrote this song It's for people like you that keep it turned on" Elton, Elton, Elton. Listen very carefully you wig wearing wank stain. The Sun is a star, it cannot be turned on or off by anyone. I think what you've done is confuse the sun with a...

What a feeling, bein's believin' I can't have it all, now I'm dancin' for my life" Dancing for your life Irene? Sounds like the sort of thing the Nazi's used to do. For Christs sake, you work in a poxy steel mill not a fecking concentration camp. Stop being so melodramatic you dappy cow.

"Your Love, Lifting Me Higher Than I've Ever Been Lifted Before" Sorry I think you've dropped a bollock here Jackie. I've been in love before and it feels good, but i've also been in a fork lift truck and that lifted me a f*** sight higher than any bird saying "I love you". Ya showboating twat.

Fly me to the moon And let me play among the stars Let me see what spring is like On Jupiter and Mars Sorry got to stop you there Frank. First off, NASA is funded by taxpayers money. It has a mandate to increase human awareness of the cosmos, the wonders that envelop this green and blue orb we...