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There's a lot of assumptions about my proposed research but, as yet, I'm short of the 10 thousand quid needed to definitively answer for you all. Potato, turnip, carrot (with winkle) tomato...if it was a vegetable..who knows. It might even be a parsnip.

And, sorry to be a pedant, but..for a heart expert, you can't spell sphincter. Which makes me better. At least on this point. If my sphincter (Aortic) goes wrong, I'll ask a proper doctor.

It's in the spirit of making me an expert on Heritage Vegetables. If someone hadn't paid you to become a heart expert, you'd be asking for funding into...well, anal sphincters, I guess. I have both of those organs myself (although I'm not a heart or Arse expert) and...i'd say..they are both as...

I haven't even started my research yet as my funding stands at £0.00 Your attempt to Squew my research before it begins is risible.

I terms of my qualifications. I hold a BSc in Nursing, am a member of the chartered institute of Marketing and can play "amazing grace" on a tin whistle. I have cycling proficiency (grade I) and a bronze swimming badge. In terms of my vegetable credentials. I have only one. I know what they...

My proposition is: You guys fund my proposed research (with view to publication) into Heritage Vegetables. I don't know what they are but here's my commitment. If I raise £10,000 from you, knowledge hounds, I will spend six months researching this. I will then submit my findings to you for...