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The free-kicks can be met along the lines of 'Oh dear, never mind, chin up chaps.' Swearing, on the other hand, is of course compulsory but only at the opposition's and the referee's expense.

Today we are playing possibly the finest team in the land. Let's keep this in mind before slagging off our players for the slightest mistake. If the odd pass is mislaid, do not let this make us cry out in despair. I often get annoyed when I hear a groan from the crowd before realising it was...